Jude's Wild AU Challenge!
by PHFF
Summary: A Challenge proposed by a Member of PHFF: Harry Potter: Mad, Wild, Crazy Alternate Universe EX: Flintstones, Scream, Friday the 13th, When Harry Met Sally, Happy Days or any other strange AU you can think of . The following will be submissions for polling
1. Wild AU Submission One

**_A/N: Attention Members of PHFF!! This is a submission for Jude's Wild AU Challenge! Polling will commence on March 18, 2009 and will close at 8pm EST on March 28, 2009. Please read and cast your votes for your favorite Wild AU Fic!!_**

**_Enjoy the madness..._**

* * *

Once Upon a Potter

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, I don't care if it _is_ a Quidditch game or not, it simply does _not_ give you the right to attempt to embed your opponent's face into the side of the Astronomy tower!"

_There is_ no way _that I am going to get detention because of that prat Malfoy_, Harry Potter thought angrily. "But Professor McGonagall," he protested, "Malfoy's the one who started it! He threw a handful of Peruvian Darkness Powder in my eyes just as I was about to catch the snitch!"

"I did nothing of the sort, Potter," Malfoy drawled. "And you were about as ready to catch that snitch as your moronic mate the Weasley King is to playing a perfect game. In other words, not even close."

"You take that back, Malfoy!"

"Gentlemen! That is _quite_ enough!" McGonagall commanded. "Now I don't want to hear another word from you two! In fact, I'm going to make sure that you keep quiet by sending you to the library to help out Madame Pince!"

"Help out _that_ hag? I wouldn't be caught dead—"

"Professor, I'm telling you, I didn't—"

"No arguments! Now get going to the library before I change my mind about your punishment and decide to suspend the both of you from playing Quidditch altogether!"

At that, both Seekers snapped their mouths shut and reluctantly headed off to the library.

About an hour later, both boys were in a back wing of the library, sorting through, dusting off and stacking some ancient tomes that Harry was sure hadn't seen a bookshelf in at least 50 years. He and Malfoy were working in relative silence; Harry had pointedly ignored Malfoy's occasional barbs and eventually, the Slytherin had quieted down and began to sourly stack the textbooks that Harry had been de-dusting. That is, until, Harry pulled out a rather large book from a box and promptly dropped it on his foot. "Blast!" he swore angrily.

Malfoy snorted in glee. "Potter, I don't know how you managed to make it onto a Quidditch team at all with that magnificent hand-eye coordination of yours."

"Shut it, Malfoy! This book's a lot heavier than it looks!" Harry groaned as he slid the book off of his foot. It was a large, rather primeval-looking leather-bound book, but it had felt like a ton of bricks when it hit his foot. _Why was it so heavy?_ Sitting on the floor, he leaned forward and curiously opened the book to the first page.

Malfoy had been watching him suspiciously. "All right, Potter, what's the big deal over here? Are you hiding a copy of _Playwizard_ in there or something?" He plopped down on the floor next to Harry and pulled the book from him. "Oi, this is heavy! What in the bloody hell kind of book _is_ this?"

"Hey, I was reading that!" Harry reached for the old book once more. For some unfathomable reason, he found it intriguing.

"Like you know how to read, Potter!"

"Let go, Malfoy!"

In the struggle, Malfoy had still managed to get a glimpse of the first paragraph. "_'Once upon a time'?_ Potter, are you telling me that you're fighting me over a book of _fairy stories?_ Oh, this is rich!" he sneered mockingly.

Harry looked down at the page. "Wait a minute; this is a muggle book! What's it doing in the Hogwarts library?"

"A _muggle_ book? Salazar's sack!" Malfoy recoiled from the book in revulsion.

"Yeah, my cousin Dudley used to get these kinds of books all the time, but he never touched them, so I'd get his rejects. This looks just like an old book of muggle fairy tales. But why are they _here?_" Harry wondered aloud.

Malfoy shrugged and made to get up. "Beats me…I couldn't care less about a damned muggle book. I've got more important things to do, like clean my fingernails…or blink…or inhale deeply…"

"Well, help me up first. This book's as heavy as an unconscious troll."

Malfoy let out a huff of exasperation. "Fine, whatever. Anything to get out of here quicker." As he took one end of the large book and Harry the other, the book began to glow with an unearthly light.

"Potter, this isn't funny! Now quit it with the stupid pranks so that we can finish this crap, okay?"

"What do you mean, _me?_ I thought _you_ were the one trying to make a joke!"

Before either one of them could say another word, a flash of light coming from the book filled the room, and there was a large BOOM.

"Potter…Potter, get up off of your dead arse! What in buggerartion did you just do?"

Harry put a hand to his head, which was throbbing and slowly sat up. The two of them were in a forest, sprawled out on the ground across a dirt path. Malfoy was glaring at him, but looked quite startled at the same time.

"What the—where are we?" Harry looked around in confusion,

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "What the hell are you good for, Scarhead? I was just going to ask _you_ the same thing!"

"Geez, Malfoy—"

"Excuse me, but have either of you two seen any wolves around here, by any chance?"

Harry and Malfoy blinked at each other in confusion. Slowly, they both looked up and saw a girl holding a basket wearing a bright red cape and hood. "Er," Harry began warily. "No…no, I don't think so."

"Oh, good," she sighed in relief, pushing her hood off of her head to reveal a head of long, dark curls. She reminded Harry of Hermione. "Grandma told me to be very careful if I was going to use the forest path, and I got a later start than I would have liked. I certainly didn't expect to run into anyone else here!"

Malfoy had been eyeing the girl with interest. "Neither did I…especially a tasty little bird like yourself." He stood up and approached her predatorily. "What's your name, Red?" he said, giving her red hood a playful little tug.

The girl's eyes were growing larger by the minute, but she seemed to be rooted to the ground. "Uh…I probably shouldn't give my name to a…a stranger," she managed, staring at him with a combination of alarm and fascination.

"Well, allow me to introduce myself, babe…I'm the Big Bad Wolf," Malfoy leered back at her as the girl let out a tiny gasp.

"Blimey, Malfoy, will you quit it?" Harry grabbed a hold of the cape of Malfoy's Quidditch robes and pulled him back. "Er, Miss, you had better get going to your Grandmum's house before it gets dark, okay?" The girl nodded back at him and with one last glance at Malfoy, darted off down the forest path.

"Dammit, Scarhead, do you have to be such a killjoy? That chick was kind of cute!"

"Malfoy, we have got a much bigger problem to worry about here!"

"Yeah, like what?"

"That was Little Red Riding Hood, for Merlin's sakes!"

"Little Red Reading _Who?"_

"Little Red Riding Hood…she's a character from a muggle fairy tale!" Harry put a hand to his head once more—it was still throbbing quite a bit. "Call me crazy, but I think we may actually be _in_ that muggle fairy tale book."

Malfoy stared at Harry in disbelief. "I'll call you more than crazy, Potter—you're a complete nutter who should be locked up somewhere! There is _no way_ that we could possibly—"

"There he is, Your Majesty! We've spotted the White Rabbit!" Harry and Malfoy turned to see a life-sized playing card pointing a large spear directly at Malfoy. "Merlin's balls!" Malfoy exclaimed, jumping back. "What in the bloody hell is thi—"

Another playing card jumped into the fray, pointing a spear at Harry. "And just who are you, stranger? Are you trying to steal Her Majesty's White Rabbit like that 'Alice' girl?"

"White Rabbit, my arse! I'm a _Malfoy_, you oversized game piece!"

Harry put his hands up and spoke in a placating tone. "He's not the White Rabbit…we're actually…er…mercenaries…yeah, that's it! We were hired by the Queen of Hearts to go and _find_ the White Rabbit for her! We were on that 'Alice' girl's trail until you stopped us, and now we've probably lost her!"

"We have?" Both cards stared back at Harry in consternation.

"Yeah! So let us go this instant or you'll have Her Majesty's wrath to deal with!"

Both cards immediately lowered their spears. "We're very sorry Mister Mercenaries…good luck on your search, and if you need any of us cards for assistance, please let us know!"

"The only thing I'd need either of you two for is if I was making a trip to the gaming hall," Malfoy snarled under his breath. Harry gave him a quick kick to the shin, but carefully kept his eyes on the retreating cards. When they were gone, he turned back to the sullen Slytherin. "All right, Malfoy, _now_ do you believe me? We've got a serious problem here!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HIRED NO MERCENARIES—THEY TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THAT THEY'RE INNOCENT! _OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!"_

"Now how did the Weasel King's Mum get all the way out here?" Malfoy quipped.

"Malfoy, quit it! That's the Queen of Hearts…we've got to get out of here _right now!"_ Harry started to bolt down the forest path and Malfoy quickly followed suit. After a series of twists and turns off of the main path (in order to throw the card guards off of their trail), they found themselves facing a clearing with a small, inviting cottage. Harry stepped up to the front door and knocked tentatively. After a moment, the door opened, seemingly of its own accord. Harry and Malfoy looked at each other in puzzlement. "Hello?" Harry finally called into the cottage. "Is anyone there?"

"Down here, pinhead."

Harry looked down and saw a rather irate-looking dwarf frowning up at him. Malfoy grimaced in distaste and muttered to Harry, "Brilliant. A Flitwick wannabe. Remind me to drop Charms when we get out of this blasted place and get back to Hogwarts." Harry sighed and closed his eyes in frustration.

"Well," the surly dwarf demanded, "what do you want?"

Malfoy snorted. "I'd like to make a deposit into my Gringotts account." Harry kicked him again and Malfoy swore under his breath. "Er," Harry began, "could we please come in for a moment or two? We're on the run from an army of cards and we could really use a place to hide."

Several other dwarves had started to emerge from other parts of the cottage and came to the door to stare at the boys in curiosity. They all seemed to have quite poor eyesight because they were squinting up at Harry and Malfoy and curiously murmuring amongst themselves. Finally, one of the smallest dwarves from the back of the group asked, "Are you ladies in some sort of trouble?"

"_Ladies?"_ Malfoy exclaimed in a highly insulted tone. Harry kicked him once more. "Dammit, Scarhead, if you kick me one more time—"

Harry leaned in and whispered, "They can hardly see from working in the mines all day and probably think our Quidditch robes are dresses, you prat! Now play along because they're more likely to help out two damsels in distress than a couple of snarky gits, okay?" Malfoy looked like he was ready to explode, but Harry turned back to the dwarves and covered it with, "Yes, I'm uh…" he glanced down at his red Gryffindor Quidditch robes and quickly improvised, "…Rose Red. And this is…" he looked at Malfoy, who was glaring at him in abhorrence through the strands of white-blonde hair that were falling across his forehead. "…Snow White."

"I am _not_ going to pose as any stupid slag named Snow—"

Harry kicked him again.

"Bugger me!" Malfoy swore through clenched teeth.

Harry continued as if the exchange with Malfoy had never occurred. "We could really use your help," he finished with as winning a smile as he could manage. _Sure hope this works…I don't have much experience trying to charm dwarves, _he thought nervously.

"Oh, no you don't," the first dwarf said in a brusque tone. "_Nobody_ gets in our house!" He turned back to the other dwarves. "They could be witches who are trying to ensnare us and steal our diamonds!" A few murmured in agreement.

Malfoy stepped in front of Harry. "Look here, you vertically challenged twit! You'd better let us in before I step on your ugsome little face!"

"I'd like to see you try, you white-haired amazon!"

"You tell him, Grumpy!"

"My hair is NOT white!"

Harry could hear the army of cards getting closer. "Malfoy," he nudged the Slytherin Seeker, who was too involved in an insult match with the rebellious dwarves to take notice. "Malfoy," Harry broke in again.

"Sod off, Potter!"

Harry grabbed Malfoy's head and spun it to face the direction from which they had come. The irate cards could be seen approaching from the distance. As one, the boys turned back to the dwarves and pushed their way into the cottage, slamming the door behind them.

"Do you think they'll try to break in here?" Malfoy asked Harry.

"I don't know; I—"

"_Get the witches!"_ All of a sudden, the dwarves flew at Harry and Malfoy, brandishing tiny clubs. Harry took off in one direction, Malfoy in the other.

Harry finally managed to give the dwarves the slip after he darted out the back door and hid behind the shed. Luckily, the area had been well-shaded from the trees and being as his original assessment was correct—the dwarves _did_ have poor eyesight—they were unable to spot him. When he was finally certain that all of the angry dwarves had given up their pursuit, he decided to sneak around to the side of the house to see if he could find out what had happened to Malfoy. Harry had a feeling that he needed to stick with the scornful Slytherin—somehow, the two of them had managed to get themselves into this mess; most likely it would be necessary for the two of them to work together in order to get themselves out of it. Harry wasn't looking forward to it, but he was even less enthusiastic about spending the rest of his days dodging sadistic playing cards. Cautiously, he crept up to the side of the cottage and peeked in the window.

"Ah, there you are, my lovely Briar Rose! I have been searching this wood for you in earnest! I heard that you had been under a sleeping spell at some castle, but I _knew_ it couldn't be true!"

Harry turned to the sound of the new voice, and found himself facing a rather vapid looking prince that reminded him vaguely of Gilderoy Lockhart, sitting atop a white horse. "Er," Harry began, backing away, "look, your highness, I am _not_ this Briar Rose, okay? Surely you can see that I'm a bloke!"

The prince looked befuddled. "Is that so? I think you are trying to fool the great Prince Philip!" He whipped out a sword and pointed it at Harry's throat. _Great Gryffindor, this is getting worse by the minute._ "If a lad you be, then why are you wearing a dress? Answer me that!" He looked so proud of himself for coming up with that deduction that Harry would not have been surprised if the prince had followed it up with handing Harry an autographed picture.

Harry didn't even get a chance to answer, for the angry mob of cards had spotted him once again and were approaching threateningly. However, this time Harry was ready for them—being as he was no longer on the run, his aim would be reliable. Quickly, he whipped out his wand and pointed it at the cards shouting, _"Impedimenta!"_

Instantly, the cards all froze and toppled over into a neat stack.

"Odds bodkins!" the foppish prince exclaimed. "That was magnificent! Now I see why you are wearing dress-like robes, lad…you are a powerful wizard!"

Harry smiled dryly. "Well, in a way, yes," he admitted. _Anything to keep this yampy prince from pointing that sword at me again._

"Perhaps it is Divine Providence that has caused me to run into you, great wizard! Apparently, my darling Briar Rose has been cursed with a spell that makes her allergic to spinning wheels and none of my court wizards can find anything in the Great Book of Spells to help her…"

_Great Book of Spells? I don't remember anything about a Great Book of Spells in the Sleeping Beauty story. Unless..._ "What does this Great Book of Spells look like?" Harry interrupted.

"It's a rather large, ancient looking book, leather-bound in black with thick parchment pages…"

_That certainly sounds like the book that got us into this grand mess in the first place._ "Well," Harry began, thinking quickly, "I know all about that book and I can definitely help you, but first I need to get my uh…wizard's assistant first. He's in here," Harry indicated, gesturing to the cottage. _Malfoy is going to owe me big time for this one, even though he's going to_ hate _posing as my assistant. This ought to be fun._

"Let's not waste any more time then, lad!" The prince dismounted his horse and pompously strode to the front door. "I'll just inform him that his presence is requested by the royal house!" He firmly knocked on the door and after a moment, it swung open. This time, a slightly less surly dwarf had answered the door. "Yes? What do you want?"

The prince puffed up his chest. Apparently he was put out at not being immediately recognized. "Wee man, I am Prince Philip and I understand that there is a wizard's assistant in a long dress in there that I need to complete a royal task for me! Now send him out immediately!" he commanded with a flourishing gesture.

"Do you mean the snooty blonde in the green gown? She's not here."

Harry stepped forward. "What do you mean he's…she's…" Harry had almost forgotten that he told the dwarves that Malfoy was Snow White. "Where is…_she?" _he demanded.

"She made a run for it. Took out some sort of branch and made this big blast that busted a hole in our wall," the dwarf indicated a large hole on the other side of the door. "Ran off into the woods…good riddance, I say." With that, the dwarf slammed the door in their faces.

Harry sighed. "Blast. I should have known Malfoy would find a way to make this even _more_ complicated."

Meanwhile, Malfoy had, after some aimless wandering, managed to find the forest path once more. _What in buggeration am I supposed to do now? _he wondered. _There's no way in hell I'm going back to that Domicile of Dodgy Dwarves…Potter will just have to use the few brain cells that he's got to find me out here. _As he debated over whether he should just keep walking or wait for Potter to catch up with him, a feminine voice interrupted his train of thought. "Mr. Wolf? How did you manage to get ahead of me?" He turned around to see the cute little bird with the red hood staring back at him in bewilderment. _What was it that Potter had called her…Little Red Driving Wood or something like that? No matter…I could use a distraction right about now, and this attractive little package is just the ticket._

"Oi, Red," he said, smirking at her as he closed the distance. "Still off to your Grandmum's? Or do you mind taking a little detour?" Reaching out, he gave one of her wayward curls a little tug.

She stared back at him as she nervously licked her lips. "A…a detour? What do you mean?"

He grinned wickedly. "I mean…"

"THERE'S ONE OF THEM! SEND IN THE SPADES! _OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!"_

_Bollocks. When I finally manage to get the hell out of this nightmare, I'm going to dedicate my life to setting fire to every blasted playing card I see. _Wildly, he looked around for a place to hide. "Dammit!" Desperately, he turned to the red-hooded girl. "Red, _please!"_

Red was watching him, wide-eyed. Finally, she grabbed his hand and started to run, pulling him along the path with her. "Come on, my Grandma's house is close by!"

As if to prove her point, a small log cabin immediately came into view. Bursting through the door with Malfoy right on her heels, she spun around and quickly bolted the door shut behind them. For a moment, they just stared at each other, panting from the effort of the vigorous escape. "Thanks," he finally managed.

She shrugged self-consciously and slid her hood off of her head as her dark curls spilled out in profusion. _This girl reminds me of someone_, Malfoy mused, _but I can't quite place who. Ah, like it matters, anyway. _He stepped forward and placed a hand on either side of the door, effectively trapping her between them. "Allow me to express my gratitude, babe," he drawled cheekily as he leaned in for a snog.

"Wait!" I can't…I don't even _know_ you!" she protested, all the while staring at his lips hypnotically. He grinned back at her. "What better way to get acquainted with each other," he rejoined, leaning in once again.

"But…" her eyes were positively huge. "My Grandma is in the next room!" she gasped desperately.

_Merlin's balls. The last thing I need is some old harpy wanting to chase me down for manhandling her granddaughter, no matter how cute she is. _Draco grimaced and leaned back. "Fine, have it your way," he sighed. Glancing down, he noticed the picnic basket which she was still holding in a death grip and asked with interest, "Got any food in there?" He hadn't eaten since before the Quidditch match, and Merlin only knew how long ago _that_ was.

Relieved to be moving to a more benign subject, the girl flipped open the basket and pulled out a cookie. "My Grandma's sick, so I brought her some oatmeal cookies…here, have one." She handed it to Malfoy, and he immediately devoured it. He automatically reached towards the basket for another, but the girl quickly stepped out of his reach. "Oh no, you don't," she admonished him with a smile, "I told you these are for my Grandma. I'll take some in to her and whatever she doesn't want you can have, all right?"

He nodded sourly. "Just don't offer her too many, okay? I'm really hungry," he grumbled.

She nodded and headed off towards what Malfoy assumed to be the grandmother's bedroom. _Hopefully the old bat's asleep…then I can get all of the cookies and probably sneak in a good snog, too._ He impatiently strode over to a nearby chair and plopped down on it, restlessly drumming his fingers in his lap while he waited. Just at the point where he was ready to go in to the bedroom and demand a few more cookies, he heard the red-hooded girl's alarmed voice coming through the thin wall:

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

_What in the bloody hell?_ Then there was a shriek which caused Malfoy to jump up out of his chair. As he headed towards the bedroom to see what was going on, Red dashed out of the room and directly into his arms. _Hey, not bad…_ Malfoy thought, sliding a hand around her waist.

Red was trying to make a run for it. "No, you octopus!" she cried. "We have to get out of here _now!" _

"Why? What's going—"

He looked up and saw an extremely large wolf standing on its hind legs in the bedroom doorway, dressed in a long pink nightgown complete with ruffled mob cap. _What in the name of Merlin is_ that_ ridiculous thing?_ "Greyback?" he asked in befuddlement. The wolf merely stared back at him threateningly and began to growl.

"Are you crazy, he going to eat us! Come on, run for it!" Red was pulling at his Quidditch robe which revealed his inside pocket. _Oh right, my wand._ In a fluid movement, Malfoy whipped out his wand and pointed it directly at the sleep-ensembled wolf and shouted, _"Petrificus Totalis!"_

The wolf let out a last gruff and toppled to the floor, frozen stiff.

Red stared at the wolf, wide-eyed, then turned back to Malfoy. "That was incredible!" she gasped.

Malfoy smirked. "Yeah, well…"

He never got to finish because Red flew into his arms and began kissing him furiously. _Now I could get used to _this_…hell yeah…_

BANG, BANG!

"Uh oh," Red managed to pant, "someone's at the door!"

Malfoy continued to kiss her neck. "Ignore it, babe," he murmured.

BANG, BANG!!

"_Open up in the name of the Prince!"_ a voice boomed through the door.

"The Prince?" Red attempted to extricate herself from Malfoy's grasp. "I have to answer that!"

"No, no, don't go, Red…_bollockov!"_ he swore vehemently as she headed towards the door. Petulantly, he turned to the picnic basket and pulled out a few cookies to assuage his temper.

"Hello, young lady, you haven't seen a lad in a long green dress by any chance, have you?"

At the new voice, Malfoy looked up to see a rather ridiculous looking prince dressed in teal satin who looked vaguely familiar. Behind him was Potter, who looked quite frazzled and whose hair was sticking up even more so than usual. Potter spotted him and cried, "Malfoy! I never thought I'd be saying this, but thank Merlin!"

Malfoy sneered back at him and took a big bite of oatmeal cookie.

An hour later, Harry wanted to throttle Malfoy. They had been walking behind the prince's horse to the castle and Malfoy had raised an objection to practically every part of Harry's plan. Firstly, as Harry had predicted, Malfoy hadn't appreciated having to pose as Harry's assistant. ("In what bloody dimension would I ever have to be subservient to _you_, Scarhead?" That had earned Malfoy another kick.) Secondly, he didn't want to get anywhere near the Great Book again. ("Have you gone all sixes and sevens, Potter? That book might send us into a Shakespearean tragedy next! Everybody _dies_ in those things, you know!") The one thing that had gotten him to comply was when the prince had insisted that Little Red Riding Hood go with them—at the moment, she was seated behind the prince on his horse. Whenever Malfoy got too surly, Harry would ask the girl for another cookie out of her basket and he'd shove it at Malfoy in order to get a moment or two of blessed silence.

Unfortunately, Red had run out of cookies about a half an hour ago, so Harry was stuck with, "How much longer are we going to have to walk, Scarhead? This is ridiculous…Malfoys do _not_ trail behind bloody horses."

"Malfoy, will you just shut it until we get to the castle?" Harry shot back through gritted teeth.

"But this is beyond intolerable! I've never walked so much in my life!"

"Mr. Wolf? Are you getting tired?" Red was looking over her shoulder at Malfoy with concern. He immediately smirked in return and sped up his pace to catch up with the horse. "Nah, I've got _plenty_ of stamina, babe," he drawled as he reached up to tug on her white anklet sock.

Harry rolled his eyes. _Only _Malfoy_ would hit on Little Red Riding Hood. Well, at least it keeps the annoying prat out of my hair. _Distractedly, he wondered if Malfoy would be quite so attentive if he had made the connection that Red really did resemble Hermione Granger a great deal. _Most likely he would choke on that smug smirk of his,_ Harry grumbled to himself.

"There it is!" the prince cried, breaking into Harry's train of thought. They had stopped on the top of a small hill and the prince was pointing at the horizon. In the distance, Harry could see a castle that looked very much like Hogwarts. _Well, at least things are starting to look a little more familiar, _Harry thought hopefully. _Maybe that's a good sign. _Taking a deep breath, he began to follow the horse and Malfoy down the hill towards their destination.

Once they had made it through the castle gates, Prince Philip left Harry, Malfoy and Little Red Riding Hood cooling their heels in the courtyard. He declared that he needed a few moments to refresh himself before they did anything else. "I can't _possibly_ be seen in this soiled tunic any longer! I think my puce silk would be best for this occasion…yes, yes…"

Harry nodded impatiently and Malfoy opened his mouth to say something that would most likely get them into trouble, so Harry prepared to kick him once more.

"_OW!_ Hey, what gives, Red?!"

Apparently Little Red Riding Hood had beat him to it.

Harry grinned, then flinched as a commotion rose up from behind them at the gates that they had just passed through. All three spun at once to see an angry army of cards yelling at the guards at the castle gate.

"_Run for it!"_ Harry cried.

In the confusion, Harry, Malfoy, and Little Red Riding Hood sped off in separate directions.

Harry dashed around the corner, keeping close to the castle in the hopes of finding a door that might possibly lead to a decent hiding place. As he sprinted down the path that ran parallel to the castle, a long, golden rope unfurled from above and dropped down right in front of him.

_Oh, thank Merlin,_ Harry thought in relief as he seized the rope and began to shimmy up to safety. When he got to the top, he realized that it hadn't been a rope he was climbing—a girl was bracing herself against the balcony for stability so that she wouldn't slide as he had pulled himself up. He had just climbed up her hair! In shock, he nearly let go of the gargantuan blonde braid and plummeted to the courtyard below.

She anxiously reached out her hand towards him. "Here, pull yourself over the balcony!"

Still in a state of shock, Harry managed to haul himself over the balcony railing and land directly in front of the follicularly-blessed girl. She was staring at him with rather large, slightly protruding blue eyes, and Harry was reminded vaguely of Luna Lovegood. "Lun—I mean, Rapunzel?" he asked dazedly.

"How did you know?" she asked in surprise. Then her face lit up in recognition. "Oh, you must be the powerful wizard that my brother brought home to read the Great Book of Spells!"

"Er, yeah, but I just got separated from my assistant and his…uh…assistant," he finished lamely. He figured that he should also cover for Red Riding Hood, being as the prince was obviously too occupied with his attire to help them all out.

Rapunzel's eyes grew even wider, if possible. "That's terrible! We must find them so that you can help us!"

Harry put a hand to his head. "I don't even know where to start," he confessed.

Just then, the door flung open with a SLAM and Malfoy burst into the room, wild-eyed. His white-blonde hair was mussed and covered in straw. _Straw?_ Harry wondered. _What in the name of Merlin?_ Then, Malfoy spotted him. "Potter! Get these problematic pieces of pork off of my tail! I can't hit them with stinging hexes because there's three of them!"

"Three of what, Malfoy? What kind of trouble have you gotten into now?"

"How was I supposed to know that the stable pens wouldn't be safe in this bloody place? All I did was run over a haystack, and—"

Malfoy never got to finish his rant because at that moment, a brick sailed into the room, missing his head by mere inches. "Dammit!" he yelled as three pigs wearing overalls charged into the room—one was wielding a couple of long sticks, the other had a brick in each…_hoof_, and the third was pointing at Malfoy and hollering, "There he is! Get him, fellas!" Malfoy immediately curled into fetal position and covered his head.

Harry began to frantically search for his wand, but was interrupted by, "Larry! What are you and your brothers doing out of your pen? Stop it this instant!"

_Larry?_ Both Harry and Malfoy looked up at the princess in confusion as she scolded the Three Little Pigs. "These are our powerful wizard friends who are here to help us! You have no cause to attack them!"

The pig that had been addressed as Larry put his hoofs on his hips. "We do if they knock over our home, your highness! This cross-dressing brat just ran down my house and flattened it beyond repair!"

Malfoy uncurled himself from his fetal position with a sneer. "Look here, Bacon-Bits, I did nothing of the—"

Harry sent him a swift kick and Malfoy muttered an expletive that Harry had never even heard before. "It was an accident, uh…sir…my assistant here isn't familiar with the royal pens," Harry addressed the short-tempered swine. "Please accept my apologies Mr..?"

The pig appeared mollified by the explanation. "Larry," he answered Harry. "And this is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl," he continued, indicating the pig holding the sticks and the pig brandishing the bricks.

"Larry, Darryl and Darryl? You have _got_ to be kidding me…and don't you dare kick me again, Potter!"

Harry decided that it was best to act as if Malfoy wasn't even speaking. He turned to the princess. "Your highness, if you could just help us find our other assistant and take us to the Great Book of Spells, we could get right to work on that for you."

"Yeah, right after you show us where the kitchens are…I've got a hankering for a BLT," Malfoy added with a diabolical leer at Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

It was then that Harry learned that pigs could growl.

Ignoring the Malfoy-swine face off, the princess asked, "What does your assistant's assistant look like?"

"She's about your height, has brown curly hair and brown eyes and is wearing a red cape with a hood," Harry answered promptly.

The princess immediately went to the door and called for the guard. She gave Little Red Riding Hood's description to a couple of soldiers that looked unnervingly like the Weasley twins, and they directly set off to find the missing girl. The princess then turned back to Harry, Malfoy, and the put-out pigs. "Come," she commanded. "Let's get you over to the tower right away."

Malfoy followed Potter the Perfect and Princess Pompadour (he had never seen so much hair on a human being in his entire life) up to the tower room—apparently, this was where the court wizards resided and where the Great Book of Spells was kept. Unfortunately, Bacon, Ham and Sausage decided to come along for the ride. _I don't bloody believe this…this damn ploy of Potter's better work. I'm sick and tired of getting stalked by pigs, attacked by poorly dressed wolves and shirty dwarves, and being on the run from bloodthirsty playing cards._

"Nice dress, Homewrecker," one of the Darryls scoffed from behind Malfoy as they entered the tower room. The other two pigs snorted uproariously, and Malfoy turned on the insolent swine, ready to tell him that he'd be of more use as an American football, but was interrupted by, "Mr. Wolf, you made it!" Before he knew what was happening, Red had rushed up to him and enveloped him in a hug. _Well, at least there's _something_ decent about this blasted place… _He wrapped an arm around Red's waist and smirked at her. "So when did you get here, babe?"

Red blushed at his familiarity. "The sentries found me and escorted me up here, along with the prince," she nodded over at Prince Popinjay, who was dressed in a horrid purplish-colored tunic with a revoltingly ruffled lace collar. The prince was busily addressing his court wizards and gesticulating animatedly to Potter, who was looking like he wished he were somewhere else. _You and me both, Scarhead_. Malfoy shook his head and turned back to Red. _Might as well make the most of my time here_, he thought as he leaned over to plant a kiss on her ear.

"Malfoy! Stop fooling around and get over here and help me out!"

_Buggeration._ Malfoy froze in place, contemplating the merit of shoving that stupid Book of Spells down The Boy Who Was a Pain in the Arse's throat. "Go on, this is important," Red admonished Malfoy as she moved away from him.

"Yeah, Loverboy, take a hike," one of the pigs put in, as the other two broke out into snorts once again. _Why you rotten little rump roasts…_ Before he could do anything, Red stepped in and gave him a gentle push in the direction of Potter, the prince and the befuddled court wizards.

He moved over to the other side of Potter, who had been positioned by the prince in front of the immense book which was on a small podium for the wizards' display. "We just can't seem to make sense of some of the language that's being used in this book, Great Wizard," one of the court wizards was addressing Potter.

"_Great Wizard?"_ Malfoy sneered in disbelief. Potter opened the book and managed to kick Malfoy at the same time. "Merlin's pruny pric—"

The Scarhead spoke loudly over Malfoy's invective. "I think my assistant and I need a moment alone to look over this book before we decide anything…_right_, Assistant Wizard?" Potter added pointedly to Malfoy. Malfoy nodded resentfully and flipped through a few pages of the book with an exasperated sigh. "All right, what in the bloody hell are we looking for, Potter?" he grumbled.

"Something. _Anything_ that might look like a clue," Potter muttered back.

"That is the vaguest load of doxy droppings—"

"Shut up and read."

The two Seekers stared down at the pages of the Great Book as the prince, the court wizards, the princess, Red, and Larry, Darryl and Darryl waited at a respectful distance. After reading for a moment or two, Malfoy uttered in disbelief, "Scarhead? This…book…is…about…_Quidditch."_

Potter was silent for a moment, then said in an equally shaken voice, "Not just Quidditch, Malfoy…this…this is about a game that we've already played."

"_What?"_

"Look here, this is back from our Second Year." The Scarhead pointed to a paragraph and Malfoy read:

"_Training for the ballet, Potter?" yelled Malfoy as Harry was forced to do a stupid kind of twirl in midair to dodge the Bludger, and he fled, the Bludger trailing a few feet behind him; and then, glaring back at Malfoy in hatred, he saw it—_the Golden Snitch_. It was hovering inches above Malfoy's left ear—and Malfoy, busy laughing at Harry, hadn't seen it._

"I saw it, I was just trying to fake you out," Malfoy mumbled defensively.

"Codswallop. Now how does this book know what happened in that Quidditch match?" Potter wondered. "It's the same book, but why is it about _us_ now? Before it was about…"

Slowly, both boys looked over the top of the massive tome and stared at Prince Philip, Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, The Three Little Pigs and the court wizards, who were all watching them with bated breath. Then, just as slowly, the boys turned to each other, blinking in consternation.

"Do…do you suppose that we switched places with them, Potter? I mean, are we stuck in this bloody book for good?" Malfoy's voice has risen a bit in pitch at the end; he hoped that the Scarhead wasn't able to tell that he was beginning to panic.

"We can't be," Potter muttered back unconvincingly. "Let's backtrack for a moment…we need to retrace our steps as to exactly what we were doing before we ended up here."

"We were arguing over this blasted book!" Malfoy burst out, slamming his hand down on the open page. The podium supporting the book swayed precariously.

"Watch it!" Potter cried, steadying the ancient tome. "Yeah, well, we're arguing over it now, so maybe that's a step in the right direction."

"Young sirs? Might I ask if you are making any progress over there?" the Prince called out. He was peering at them over a bejeweled hand mirror that he had been admiring himself in, while Red and the Princess glanced over at him and rolled their eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, it's coming along, Fop a Lot, keep your shirt on!" Malfoy shot back. Surprisingly, Potter didn't follow that comment up with a kick; it was probably due to the fact that the Scarhead was so intently focused on the book in front of him.

"Look at this," Potter broke in, still engrossed in reading. "This section back here is talking about something that hasn't even happened yet…it says we get into a duel in the bathroom?"

"Let me see that," Malfoy made a grab for the book. "Quit it, you git!" Potter complained. "I'm trying to read."

"Mr. Wolf?" Red had started to approach them tentatively. "Do you two need any help over there?" Her face was creased with concern.

Malfoy immediately gave her a Patented Malfoy Smirk as he simultaneously stomped on The Boy Who Bitched's foot. Potter grunted in pain as Malfoy arrogantly slid the book over to his side of the podium. "Everything's just fine, Red. Now why don't you bring your cute little self over here, and—_whoof!"_

Malfoy's breath had come out in a huff as Potter had managed to elbow him in the stomach while pulling the immense book back over to his side of the podium. As Malfoy doubled over in pain, vigorously cursing the Gryffindork, Larry, Darryl and Darryl cheered in approval. "Nice one, Four Eyes!"

"Barmy bunches of bologna…" Malfoy wheezed threateningly.

"Look here, Malfoy, concentrate!"

"It's hard to concentrate when you can't breathe, Scarhead!"

"Your highness, I'm not so sure that these new wizards know any more about The Great Book of Spells than we do!" one of the court wizards was saying to the prince as they approached the squabbling Seekers.

"I think you may be right, Schmendrick. See here, lads, I think that perhaps I might have made a mistake in bringing you here—"

"_What?!"_ both boys exclaimed together.

"No! Philip, I really do think that they're on to something," the princess broke in furtively.

"Throw the upstarts out, Princey!" the pigs goaded with glee.

"Wait! Can't you at least give them a chance?" Red wailed.

"Thanks, baby…now c'mere and—_ow!_ Dammit, Potter, that hurt!"

"Keep your mind on our problem here, Malfoy!"

"Young wizards, I think it's time you left…oh, where are the guards? I don't have time for this; I'm due for a manicure!"

"Oh, Philip, _really_…"

"Get that white-haired wrecking-ball!"

"Oi, porky, my hair is NOT white!"

Potter had tilted the book to stand upright and he squatted behind it, pulling Malfoy down with him. "Malfoy, think! You were the last one to speak before this book lit up and we ended up in this crazy place! What in the name of Merlin was it that you said?" he demanded.

"How should I know?" Malfoy shot back as he grabbed on to the other end of the book. Each boy was supporting an end of the huge volume, using it as a shield against the mutinous characters. Just then, a brick flew past the outer corner of Malfoy's side of the leather-bound cover. "Something about…" Malfoy managed as he ducked his head, "wanting to get out of there! You know, detention!"

"Why would that make a…wait a minute, I remember!" A stick flew past Potter's head. "You said, _'anything to get out of here quicker'!"_

At that moment, the book began to glow once more with an unearthly light. "That's it!" Potter cried excitedly. "Hold on, Malfoy!"

The light coming from the book filled the room as both boys held on to the book for dear life. "Scarhead, you had better know what you're doing!"

"Trust meeeeeeeeeeee…"

Harry regained consciousness with a cough—he had just inhaled a bunch of dust. _What in the name of Merlin? _he thought as he abruptly sat up, causing his head to swim rapidly. Putting his hands to his head, he groaned as he squeezed his eyes shut and waited for his head to stop spinning.

"What…who…Potter, is that you?"

Harry coughed again and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah…you okay, Malfoy?"

He was answered by a fit of coughing. _What's with all of the dust?_ Finally, Harry's head stopped whirling so that he could open his eyes the tiniest bit.

All he could see were dusty books.

"Malfoy! We did it! We're back in the library storage room!" He grabbed a handful of Malfoy's Quidditch robes and yanked him into an upright seated position.

"Dammit, Potter, my head feels like it's going to explode—did you say we're back?" Malfoy's eyes shot open and he looked about. "We are! We're back—thank Salazar!"

The large book was lying on the floor in front of them, opened to the last page. Harry reached out and quickly slammed the book shut and pushed it away with his foot. "We don't ever want that happening again…I never want to see another fairy tale book as long as I live."

Malfoy was lounging on the floor with his forearms resting on his knees. "I dunno," he said in a remote voice, "I wouldn't mind reading a bit more about that Little Red Driving Wood bird…"

"Are you kidding me, Malfoy? We almost got run down by a bunch of—"

"Hello? Oh, Harry, I thought I heard voices back here!" Hermione Granger was standing in the doorway between the back of the library and the storage room with a puzzled expression on her face. "And _Malfoy?_ What are you two doing here?"

"Granger in the library…big surprise there," Malfoy drawled mockingly.

"Hi, Hermione. McGonagall gave us detention duty after the Quidditch game…we have to dust off and stack all of these books by hand." Harry replied, ignoring Malfoy.

"Merlin's pants…it seems like you have your hands full!" She put a hand to her head as she looked about the room and the red lining on the sleeve of her Gryffindor school robe framed the back of her head. "Bloody hell," Malfoy muttered softly.

Harry glanced over at Malfoy, who was looking at Hermione with a painful grimace on his face. Apparently, Malfoy had just made the Hermione-Red connection. Pushing himself up with a resigned sigh, he said, "So Granger, why don't you tell me about some of these blasted books?"

Hermione looked at Malfoy and blinked in astonishment. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Granger. And why don't you put the hood up on your school robe for a sec…I want to see how it looks."

"What in the world are you talking about, Malfoy?"

Harry looked away from the exchange and shook his head. Turning back to the large book on the floor, he could see that it now had a title etched in gold across the front cover, but it was quickly fading. Recognizing his name, he spied the words, _Harry Potter and the _… just before they faded away.

_MY NAME on the cover?_ Not being able to help himself, Harry immediately flipped open the book began to hastily leaf through the pages, but they were all blank. He looked up to see if anyone else had noticed what he had seen, but Malfoy and Hermione were totally oblivious—they were embroiled in some sort of banter or squabble in the corner. _Great Gryffindor, I sure hope THAT doesn't last, _hethought, once again turning away from the unsettling scene.

Finally, Harry closed the book with a sigh. _It's just as well, I suppose,_ he mused as he reached for a feather duster. _Who in their right mind would read a book about ME, anyway? _And with a cough he got back to work.


	2. Wild AU Submission Two

**_A/N: Attention Members of PHFF!! This is a submission for Jude's Wild AU Challenge! Polling will commence on March 18, 2009 and will close at 8pm EST on March 28, 2009. Please read and cast your votes for your favorite Wild AU Fic!!_**

**_Enjoy the madness..._**

* * *

Nonsense for Nutters

It was a very lovely day in the Wizarding World. The morning sun was shining brightly and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. The lovely castle of Hogwarts stood glistening in the distance.

It was not just any castle though. It was a school that had been around for many years. This castle was a living piece of history. Its founders were four talented beings that had left their legendary mark within its walls. And while the founders had passed, the school continued to grow. Many great Headmasters over the years had come to call the castle home. And with good reason as the school was warm and inviting while providing the highest level of magical education. It was a very nicely balanced school.

But now, the fabulous school that had once housed many students and had hosted a number of legendary events had become quiet. The hustling and bustling that used to be a daily occurrence was no more as now the halls were empty. What had happened to this place?

Well, for starters, most of the Wizarding World had embraced new places to explore and most were in the Muggle World. And how did this all come about? Well, no one really knows but the speculation is that once the Minister of Magic was seen at the inauguration of the new president of the United States, things started to change. And though change was inevitable, it was a change that one would change about as much as they would change their underwear.

And the wonderful minister returned to the Wizarding World to speak of the changes that had to be changed. And thus changes in the Wizarding World were made, and most of the Wizarding families embraced this new change. One of the changes was that more ventures led outside of the Wizarding World, and poured into the Muggle World.

So, while all of this _change_ was going on, the-Boy-Who-Lived, Harry Potter, was enjoying his newfound hobby; Necromancy. And before he knew it he was resurrecting all of the ones who had died in the battle with the Death Eaters. First came the former Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, then the beloved Weasley twin Fred, then Remus and Tonks followed by Dobby and many of the others that had been on the 'good' side. And after giving the veil a good swift kick, even Sirius was able to return to the land of the living.

No these people didn't come back as sparkly vampires and no Remus's Lycanthropy didn't just magically go away. Sorry, but he's still a werewolf. I mean this was a resurrection done by a teenager, not God. Ahem, so Harry finished resurrecting all those good people.

"You have done well, Harry. Resurrection is a complex thing." Dumbledore commented as the good guys also known as Dumbledore's Army and the Order of the Phoenix all embraced each other and thanked Harry. "I had a lot of faith that you would bring everyone back." He added as he brushed the dirt from his robes and adjusted his half moon spectacles.

"Thank you, sir. I did my best though I couldn't bring my parents back." Harry replied slightly disappointed.

"I am afraid that was to be expected. After all, the writer of this story would probably have a hard time keeping this a one-shot if you were able to bring everyone that had ever died back. I am very proud of you though, Harry. I do believe that you will have a bright future with Miss Weasley."

"Thank you sir, but I really don't want a future with Ginny." Harry blurted out.

Dumbledore looked shocked. "I suppose that my memory isn't what it used to be, but I do recall in one of the chapters of the Half-Blood Prince, that you kissed Miss Weasley."

"The half-blood what?" Harry questioned and Dumbledore just shook his head.

"Never mind, but I do know that you kissed her."

"Well, yeah but I kissed Cho too. That doesn't mean I want to spend the rest of my life with either of them."

"My dear boy," Dumbledore reached into his pocket and pulled out a book, flipped to the back of it and pointed at the Epilogue. "You see, Harry, it says right here that you and Miss Weasley have children together nineteen years later-"

"No! That is all wrong! I don't want my future with her. I want it with ….with…" Harry stopped as his eyes formed into giant red, beating hearts. And suddenly a huge dreamy smile crossed his face.

"I want Bellatrix Lestrange!" He said almost breathlessly.

"Great Merlin's Beard, Harry, are you out of your mind?" Ron gasped as he came rushing over.

"No. It's all clear to me now. I want an older woman who is wild and eccentric!"

"Um…sorry to break it to you, Harry but she's dead." Hermione chimed in as she joined in the conversation.

"I'll fix that!" Harry said as he waved his wand and poof Bellatrix was back.

"Potter!" She screeched as soon as she saw Harry.

Harry was in awe. "Hello Bellatrix, nice to see you again. You're looking rather hot and sexy." He said bluntly.

Ron made a gagging sound and Hermione slapped her hand over her mouth in disgust. Dumbledore just sighed quietly shaking his head.

Bellatrix was furious at first but then she softened up and blushed. "My, my, Potter you can be quite charming."

Harry chuckled. "I try." He replied. And then right there, in front of everyone who was gawking in shock, Harry kissed her.

Ron was on the verge of puking when Luna stepped up to hand him a towel. As soon as their eyes met, Ron felt his heart skip a beat as he smiled at her. Luna laughed lightly, smiling back at him.

Hermione noticed this and then smacked Ron in the back of the head. "Ronald Weasley! Are you flirting with Luna?" She gasped.

"Well, kind of. You see, I have been doing some thinking and I rather think that Luna would look hot in a short, black, mini dress with some fishnet stockings and stilettos." Ron was on the verge of drooling while Luna was turning redder by the second.

"My goodness, Ron, I had no idea what sort of fantasies you had about me." Luna replied almost breathless as she took his hand into hers. "I must admit that I have had fantasies about you too."

Ron's ears and cheek turned red. "My fantasies include you chasing away all the Crumple-Horned Snorkack and cuddling with me in a pool of pudding. I hope to make that real someday."

"I can help with that." Ron volunteered.

"Well Ronald, if you are going off with Luna, then just who am _I_ supposed to end up with?" Hermione grumbled.

"With me, of course," Draco Malfoy had appeared on the scene and Hermione looked confused as he walked up to her.

"Malfoy?" She asked.

"Indeed." Draco replied grinning as he continued on. "It has been known for some time now that Dramione is one of the most popular relationships out there. I even got my hands on a few, myself."

Hermione blinked in confusion as he continued on.

"It all started a few days ago when I was at home and while I was sitting on the toilet, I happened to find some nice reads about us being a couple."

"C-Couple?" Hermione gasped.

"Yes and my first reaction was exactly like yours. The idea was repulsing. I'm a pureblood, you're a muggleborn. However, some of the scenarios they put us in were entertaining and a few were enough to get me turned on. They've got some really good sex scenes with us in it. Anyway, so after a few hours of reading numerous stories, I realized that the Dramione writers do have a point. I mean look at us; we're both smart. And I'm rich in money. You are rich in knowledge. And we've got quite a following. Another thing is that our kids would be so good-looking that they would dominate the world."

Hermione blinked rapidly as he took her hand into his. This was indeed a very awkward situation, even for the onlookers.

"Plus, I-I've always loved you." Draco added slowly.

And then there came the awkward silence. No one knew what to say, not even Hermione.

The silence went on and on for several minutes. It was so silent that you could hear a pin drop. It was as quiet as a calm breeze. Not a sound could be heard. The silence was-

"Alright, enough with the bloody silence description! We all get the point that it was a silent moment now if you don't mind, _I _am about to start talking again!" Draco shouted up at the heavens.

Then he looked to the brunette in front of him. "So, would you like to try dating me?"

Hermione's eyes glistened a moment, but then she shook her head. "No, I don't want to date you."

A look of disappointment crossed the handsome, blonde young man's face. "You don't want to date me? But I'm better for you than any other guy, even Potter. If it weren't for that bloody thing called canon, we might have had a chance to be alone at some points and grow to like each other naturally."

"Draco, dating just isn't for us," Hermione mumbled as she looked into his eyes. "But marriage is."

Draco's eyes widened in shock as Hermione moved forward and kissed him. He had no problem in returning the kiss and embracing his future wife. The crowd awed and broke into applause as the two continued to savor each other's lips. Of course this was very odd as no one really liked Draco but since it was such a touching moment, everyone began clapping.

"What in the name of Merlin is going on here?" Blaise Zabini shouted as he came stomping over holding a large box.

"Blaise, can't you see I am in the middle of making out with my future wife?" Draco snapped as he pulled away from Hermione, glaring at the handsome, young Italian that had just arrived.

"Future wife?" gasped the lusciously tanned young man.

"Yes, now go away! I'm busy." Draco replied turning back around to Hermione who suddenly jumped into his arms.

Blaise was about to interrupt them again when-

"Ohhhhh Blaise!"

Blaise turned to see Ginny Weasley standing there in a sparkling white wedding dress. His jaw dropped as he walked over to her.

"Weaselette, what are you wearing?" He asked.

"This is my –Notice-Me-and-Please-Marry-Me-Blaise-Wedding Dress." She replied.

"Well, I certainly have noticed you, but about that wedding part I don't-"

"Oh please, please please, Blaise!" Ginny said as she lunged forward. Fortunately, Blaise was able to avoid being tackled to the ground by the red headed girl. However the unfortunate part was she had managed to grab a hold of his leg.

"Isn't this a little extreme?" He asked raising a brow as the redhead wrapped her arms around his right leg. "I'm not sure that I want to get married yet and as far as marrying _you_ goes I-"

"But it's my lifelong dream! I have worked so hard to get you and I will do anything so please please please, marry me!"

"Go for it, Blaise. It's obvious she wants you!" Draco shouted to him. "And just think, you two might be able to have a ship like Dramione." He chuckled, still holding Hermione in his arms.

"Drama-what?" Blaise asked scratching his head in confusion.

"Dramione," Hermione jumped in. "It's where you take the names 'Draco' and 'Hermione' and put them together!"

"In their case they would be Ginny and Blaise something like Glaise," Draco chuckled.

"Oh yes, Glaise! Lovely and they almost sound like Glaze as in glazed doughnuts, all sugary sweet. Yes, I think they fit well together." Hermione agreed.

"I love that! Thank you, Hermione!" Ginny squealed.

"What if I am not ready for marriage?" Blaise shouted over the now talkative crowd.

Ginny smiled sweetly. "I'm patient and I'll just hang on until you decide."

"And do you think that this method is going to make me want to marry you?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Well…it worked for my mum." Ginny replied.

And of course while everyone was watching the drama with Blaise and Ginny, Draco and Hermione made a run for it and escaped the whole scene. I'm sure we will see them again though.

"Alright now, what if I say that my answer is maybe?" Blaise mumbled.

Ginny looked sad.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Ginny!" Ron grumbled as he stomped up to her.

"Zabini already said he doesn't want to marry you, give it a rest." Harry grumbled.

"You stay out of this, Harry!"Ron growled as he turned his attention back to Blaise.

"Hey, I never said that I didn't want to marry her, I just said that I'm not sure." Blaise snapped.

"Well bloody hell, Blaise make up your mind then. You are Ginny's _only_ reason for living right now. If you reject her then the writer might kill her off!" Ron snapped sharply.

"I don't want to be killed off!" Ginny whined, as she clung to Blaise's leg for dear life.

"Will you get off?" He shook his leg.

"No!" Ginny screamed.

"Get off, Weaselette!" He shook it even harder but Ginny refused to let go and tightened her grip more.

"I'm losing feeling in my leg!"

"I don't want to be killed off! Save me, Blaise!" wailed the girl as she continued to cling to him.

"I still don't understand this. What makes you think that you will be killed off?" Blaise asked, scratching his head.

"Because the writer doesn't like Ginny unless she is coupled with you. You are the only one who can save her." Ron said with severe concern in his voice.

"Why me?" Blaise groaned.

"Blaise, please don't let me die. " Ginny whispered looking up at him with sparkling, hopeful eyes.

Blaise looked to the heavens nervously and asked, "You won't really kill her off, will you?"

However, dark clouds began to move in slowly and thunder rumbled throughout the sky.

"You see?" Ron whispered, as he swallowed nervously.

"Well, let's do this slowly and kind of play it out at least for a few chapters." Blaise replied slowly.

"What? There are no other chapters, you git! This is a bloody one-shot! That means if you reject Ginny then she will be killed off very soon."

Ron's eyes slowly and nervously shifted to Harry.

"Hey, don't look at me; I'm not killing her off this time. This isn't Jealousy Games and Deadly Consequences!" Harry stated firmly.

"Are you…sure about that?" the red headed young man replied warily.

"For crying out loud, read the bloody title!" Harry pointed up.

"Look, okay, I have thought it over and I'll marry Ginny." Blaise said slowly. "I was just hoping for a chapter that focused only on me and my sock collection, but since this is a one-shot, then my answer is yes."

"Oh Blaise, thank you! I love you!" Ginny cried as she jumped up and threw her arms around the handsome, Italian young man.

"And now, let us all go on about our lives seeing as we have them to live." Dumbledore spoke slowly. And so, everyone began to disperse with only Harry and Bellatrix; who had fallen asleep on Harry's shoulder, left standing with Dumbledore.

"Something wrong, sir?" Harry asked noting the vacant expression on the old wizard's face.

"Oh I was just thinking. I must admit that you are full of surprises, Harry. Bellatrix was the last person that I thought you would ever choose. Of course, I really can not condemn you as I too have my …preferences." Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"Oh!" Harry replied. "I never really thought about how lonely it must be for you not to have someone special in your life. But since everything is okay now, I'd be happy to help you find a suitable woman-"

"I-I do not have an interest in women, Harry." Dumbledore spoke slowly.

Harry's eyes widened. "Sir, you mean…you are gay?"

The old wizard nodded.

"I had no idea. How come you never said anything?" Harry asked.

"It wasn't relevant."

"What do you mean?"

"Harry, I chose to keep it a secret because of a certain someone."

"I'm afraid that I don't understand."

"Harry, would you be willing to resurrect one more person?"

The question caught Harry off guard but he sighed and nodded. "Sure, professor. Who would you like me to resurrect?"

"Harry, I would like you to bring back…Lord Voldemort."

"WHAT!?" Harry nearly fell over. "B-But sir-"

"I have fancied him for ages though he never would look at me the way I wanted him to. He's never loved, so how could he know that he has been loved by someone?"

"Sir, that sounds kind of creepy. Are you sure that you want me to bring him back?"

"Yes Harry, it is my only request."

"Alright." Harry's shaking hand reached for his wand and after a few waves a black plume of smoke appeared and as it subsided, the most feared Dark Wizard emerged.

"I have returned once more." Voldemort hissed. "And this time, the one who brought me back was… Harry Potter?"

Harry swallowed nervously but Dumbledore stepped in front of him and approached the Dark Wizard.

"My dear Voldiepoo, I requested Harry to bring you back not to take over the world or cause chaos, but to be my life partner."

Voldemort blinked rapidly and then burst into a loud series of happy sobs. "Oh Dumblekins, I'm so happy!" And Harry had to turn his head away as the two wizards embraced.

Fast forwarding to sometime later on a windy afternoon somewhere in the Muggle World, Dumbledore and Voldemort were finishing up their partnership counseling with Dr. Phil.

"So, as you two can see, your partnership will work out if you just communicate with each other. You both have to work together to help each other when the need arises and to overcome your obstacles together. Well I think this concludes our session and I am so glad you two came to me for advice." The bald man said as he ushered them out of his office. Then after shoving some pamphlets to them, Dr Phil bid them farewell and they exited his office.

"I feel like we are on the right track, Dumblekins." Voldemort said as they walked arm in arm down the crowded streets.

"I do believe you are right. Oh look up there; I believe that is Harry and Bellatrix. Shall we go and greet them?"

"Yes, let's do that." Voldemort replied and so the two happy men skipped merrily down the walk.

"Oh look, Bella, it's Professor Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort." Harry said.

"Please Harry, we're not in school anymore so just call me Albus and it is Voldie now."

"Okay, sorry I keep forgetting. So um what brings you two out and about today?" Harry asked.

"Oh we had a lovely session with Dr. Phil and we learned a lot about each other." Voldemort replied.

"And we are learning how to communicate better, right Voldiepoo?"

"Oh yes, very much so." Then Voldie sighed and asked. "So, what plans do you two have today?"

"Oh we're going to a place that serves food called Mudonalds I think." Bellatrix said proudly.

"Actually, I believe it is McDonalds and I hear they serve decent food. After that, we don't have plans." Harry said with a light chuckle.

"Oh? Well how about we all go on a fabulous double date?" Voldemort asked.

"I think that is a wonderful idea!" Bellatrix replied.

"Sounds fine to me. Harry?" Dumbledore asked.

"Oh yes profess-I mean Albus." Harry agreed.

"Good, so what shall we do tonight?" Voldemort asked eagerly.

"Let' go see a movie. They are playing old Muggle movies tonight and I think one is about a sinking ship." Bellatrix suggested. Everyone seemed to agree and so with their plans now set, the two happy couples merrily strolled down to the McDonalds restaurant.

As they walked in, they noticed several people gawking at them and their strange attire.

"Uh, we have just come from a cosmopolitan playhouse!" Dumbledore announced, hoping the onlookers would stop staring. However, even more people stopped eating and turned to look at the oddly dressed people.

"Uh sir, I think we order food over there." Harry whispered quietly. Dumbledore sighed then he and Voldie followed Harry and Bellatrix up to the counter.

The thin young man behind the register stifled a laugh and then forced on a serious face. "What can I get you, today?" He asked.

"Erm…I'd like a piece of dead cow between two slices of bread with that sweet tasting blood and no plants." Bellatrix said quickly.

"I-I beg your pardon?" replied the man taking the order.

"You heard me, I want a piece of dead cow between-" Bellatrix began.

"I want a dead chicken with extra sweet blood and no head." Voldie interrupted sharply.

"And I will have a hippogriff salad with lemon sauce and some butterbeer if you don't mind." Dumbledore spoke casually.

The man taking the order just blinked rapidly.

"Erm Albus, he doesn't know what those things are." Harry whispered.

"Oh, my apologies. Could you just order something fitting for me, Harry? I'm terrible with public places in the muggle world."

Harry nodded then looked to the man. "He meant to say he wants a chicken salad and a small drink and I would just like a small burger with lettuce and cheese." Harry stated hesitantly.

The man nodded then began to ring up the orders.

"Would any of you care for fries?" he asked.

"Hmm, only if they have blood," Bellatrix snapped.

"Yes, put blood on mine too!" Voldie sneered.

"No fries for me, thank you." Dumbledore replied.

"None for me either, thanks." Harry answered.

"Alright, the total is twenty-seven dollars and thirteen cents."

"Do you take galleons?" Dumbledore asked, looking a bit hesitant.

"I'm not sure what that is, but we only take cash, credit, or debit cards. I am afraid we don't take travelers checks or foreign money." The man said.

"Well uh…give me a moment; I think I have my credited card in my pocket." Voldie said as he turned his back. He opened the palm of his hand and mumbled something. Slowly a shiny, black card appeared. Confidently, the dark wizard turned back around. "Ah here is my credited card. I knew I had it somewhere." He then presented it to the man who blinked as he took it.

"Death Eater Credit Union?"

"Yes, it's an exclusive card that only I have because I am the highest and most powerful of the Death Eaters." Voldie said proudly.

"Right…can I see your driver's license please?"

"Certainly," Voldemort turned around, and produced what looked like another card in the palm of his hand. Then he grinned widely as he gave the man the card.

"What is this?" the man asked.

"_That_ is my Death Eater Drivers License." Voldie replied proudly.

"Is this a joke? I don't see any social security number, or state. All it has is you smiling wickedly at the camera holding some sort of stick-"

"_Wand_! It's not a stick it's a wand and a very powerful one at that. Do you know how many people I have killed with it?" Voldie sneered.

Harry slapped his hand to his forehead and shook his head. Dumbledore raised a brow at Voldie then shook his head at the Dark Wizard as well.

"Look, I can't take this. It's clearly a fake." The man said. "And I can't serve you your food if you don't have any real money."

"Harry, do you have any muggle money?" Dumbledore whispered to the dark haired young man.

Harry began searching through his pockets but found nothing.

"Sorry, I don't have any muggle money on me."

"Oh for Merlin's sake, why don't we just give him a good Cruciatus curse? That should make him hand over our food!" Bellatrix hissed as she whipped out her wand.

"No, no Bella, put that away!" Harry ordered.

"Ohhh Harry, your demanding tone is such a turn on!" Bellatrix swooned as she obediently did what she was told.

"Excuse me, can you weirdoes hurry up and pay for your damn food already?" snapped an inpatient man in a grey suit. "Some of us are in a hurry."

"How dare you speak so rudely to us? Do you know who _I _am?" Voldie snapped back.

"I don't care who you are, now hurry up and either pay or get out of line!" the uptight, man in the grey suit, replied.

"Excuse me!" A tall, plump man with grey hair said. "My employee has informed me of your ludicrous behavior and it is clear that none of you have any money. So, either you four get out of here right now or I am calling the cops!" It was obvious he was the manager.

"Stupid muggles! You dare to threaten us. With two simple words I could-" Voldie began but Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder.

"There, there Voldiepoo. It is clear we are not wanted in this muggle establishment. So, we should quietly take our leave and go elsewhere." He said gently.

Voldie just snorted and stomped out of the restaurant followed by and equally angry Bellatrix. Harry cleared his throat and then followed the two out.

Dumbledore sighed and then looked to the crowd. "You know, this establishment would be so much better with some floating candles and a bit of lively color."  
"Get out!" the manager shouted.

Dumbledore nodded and pushed the door open and then stepped outside to meet with his three companions.

"And you wonder why I hate those blasted muggles!" Voldie grumbled.

"Yes, they are lucky that I didn't end every single one of their pathetic lives." Bellatrix snapped.

"Bellatrix, calm down." Harry said gently as he took her hand.

"So, where are we going to eat? I'm hungry!" Voldie growled.

"Perhaps it's best to go to the Wizarding World for now. We could come back after we eat there." Harry said trying to sound cheerful.

"Brilliant idea, Harry." Dumbledore commented.

"Well, let's apparate there!" Voldie said impatiently.

"Off we go!" Dumbledore announced.

And in that instant all four of them disappeared.

"Oh my god, Draco. That was amazing!" Hermione said as she lay in Draco's bed breathing heavily.

"Yes, it was." Draco agreed as he snuggled up close to her. Then after a moment of cuddling, the two got up, and got dressed.

"So, since we're getting married, when do you want to start moving your stuff into Malfoy Manor?" Draco asked as he brushed his hair.

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.

"Well, I assume that you will be moving in here soon since we're together and all that." Draco replied.

"Actually, I was kind of hoping that we would live in the Muggle world." She replied hesitantly.

"The Muggle world? Hermione, I am not really that fond of muggles with the exception of you."

"I know that but I would like for you to be there when I tell my parents about us. I don't want to go it alone." Hermione said nervously.

"Alright, I suppose I can stomach the muggle world for a short time." He replied with a sigh.

"Wonderful!" She squealed. "Now, let's go!"

"What? Now?" He blinked.

"Yes, I want to get this part over with and while I am feeling confident, I want to tell them."

"Looks like that is the best idea so let's go!" Draco stated.

Instantly, the two disappeared.

At The Burrow, the Weasley Twins sat feeling rather glum.

"What's the matter with you two?" Molly asked noticing their behavior.

"Oh it's just that we really don't have anything to do in this story." George mumbled.

"Yeah, and it's so boring, I might as well go back to being dead!" Fred grumbled.

"Now Fred, I'll have none of that talk." Molly scolded.

"Sorry, mum." Fred replied.

"Hey, we could go see what is going on in Hogsmeade-" George began.

"-and visit Zonko's. We haven't been there in a bit." Fred finished.

"You see? There is something for you to do. Now, off you go!" Molly said.

The Weasley twins grinned, waved, and disappeared with a popping sound.

"Have you noticed that all the main characters always get these fun and exciting plots?" Cho muttered as she, Dean, Neville, and Seamus sat together outside in the lush, green grass.

"Yeah, I kind of wish we had our own plot so that we could be noticed more." Neville agreed.

"I don't really think we'll get much story time because most of us are bland." Dean stated firmly.

"Well all we need is to find out what exciting things are going on in the Daily Prophet and work on our own plot from there." Cho suggested.

"Me mum says that it's been boring in the Wizarding World for days." Seamus replied. "The Daily Prophet hasn't been covering anything important either."

"That right out sucks." Dean grumbled.

"Maybe if we all turned into the villains then we'd get more recognition." Cho suggested.

"Sorry but I don't want to be a bad guy unless I have a cool weapon." Seamus mumbled.

Suddenly, the wind began to blow and dark clouds formed in the sky.

"Didn't this happen a little while ago?" Neville asked, pointing at the sky.

"Not to us." Dean said.

"This is strange." Cho mumbled.

"I agree." Seamus added.

And then as the sky grew darker, the wind began to pick up and blow hard.

"What's going on? I don't understand!" Dean gasped.

"I know what this is." Neville replied. "This is what we asked for; more story time!"

And as Neville spoke those words, a large tornado suddenly dipped down from the threatening clouds and began whirling and twirling towards the four who had now jumped to their feet.

"Oh great, this is your fault, Neville!" Dean snapped.

"_My_ fault? I didn't ask for a tornado!" Neville shouted back.

"Stop bickering you two!" Cho cried out.

"Look! It's coming; it's heading right for us!" Dean shouted in a panic as the tornado was closing in on them.

"It must be at least a mile wide!" Neville hollered.

"Never mind its size; we have to get away from it!" Cho shouted.

"Cast a spell, we're wizards, remember?" Dean yelled as the wind grew louder.

"I am having trouble thinking!" Neville cried out.

"I can't hear you!" Cho shouted. "The wind is too loud!"

"Expecto Patronum!" Seamus yelled as he pointed his wand at the tornado but nothing happened.

"What the hell was that?" Dean shouted.

"I…erm…it's the only spell I could think of!" Seamus snapped.

"Oh yes, that worked _really_ well! Now, why don't we just stand here and let the tornado rip us apart while we're at it!" Dean yelled sarcastically.

But just then, the winds of the tornado began to die down and as they all looked up, they saw what looked like a little building of some sort. And finally the winds stopped completely and the small building started plummeting towards the four who were standing there gawking at it.

"Oh crap, move!" Dean yelled as he jumped to the side. Neville and Seamus did the same.

"Cho!" the three shouted but it was too late for the small building that was a small house landed with a loud crash right on top of Cho.

"Cho!" Dean gasped as he and the other two rushed over to the house. "Hey look, I see a pair of legs here!" Neville said as he pointed at one side of the house. "I didn't know Cho wore striped grey and white socks and had red sparkly shoes?"

"Those aren't hers! She's over here!" Seamus stated as he pointed at the dead girl.

"Then who the hell is that?" Neville asked, grabbing his head in befuddlement.

Just then, the door to the house opened and out walked a young woman wearing a blue dress, with a little dog in her arms.

"Hey look, it's a girl!" Seamus said as he pointed at the new arrival.

"I can see that." Dean agreed with a slight smile on his face.

"Oh my, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto." The young woman mumbled as she cautiously stepped towards the three young men.

"Um…hello there!" Dean was the first to speak.

"Hello, and who might you be?" the girl asked with a slight smile.

"I'm Dean"

"My name's Neville."

"You can call me Seamus"

Then the three young men got on their knees and began singing:

"We represent the Wizarding World, the Wizarding World, the Wizarding World.

And in the name of the Wizarding World, we proudly welcome you to our magic land!" The three all sang together.

"It's very nice to meet you. I am Dorothy from Kansas."

"Nice to meet you Dorothy, you must have had quite a scare riding atop that there tornado." Seamus stated as he walked up to her.

"Yes, it was quite scary. But now that I'm here I don't know how to get back home." She replied sadly.

"Don't worry, I'm sure that Harry can-" Neville began but Dean slapped his hand over Neville's mouth and then cleared his throat. "Don't worry, Dorothy, we can help you get back home. After all, we're three very powerful wizards."

"Powerful wizards? Ahahaha!" cackled a voice and then out of a plume of green smoke, an ugly witch with green skin appeared.

"And just who are you supposed to be?" Dean asked.

"I'm the wicked witch of the west and I see that I'm just in time to claim my sister's ruby slippers." She replied in a cackling voice.

Dean chuckled as he looked to Neville then Seamus.

"The wicked witch of the west? That's it?" He asked, raising a brow.

"Yeah, you mean you don't have a name other than that?" Neville inquired.

"She must not be very important if she doesn't even have a proper name." Seamus laughed.

"How dare you make a mockery of me! Once I have those ruby slippers on my feet, I'll make you wish you'd never met me!" The wicked witch replied.

Dean whipped out his wand and swished it a couple of times. As the wicked witch reached down for the slippers upon her deceased sister's feet, they suddenly disappeared. And moments later there was a flash of red and the red shoes appeared on Dorothy's feet.

"What! How dare you!" the witch replied. "Those ruby slippers belong to me!"

"Why the bloody hell would we give them to you to put on your cruddy old feet?" Seamus snorted.

"Yeah, besides they look better on Dorothy." Neville added.

"You'd better give me those shoes or else I'll-"

"Oh bugger off, you old hag or we might have to call upon the great storms with our powerful magic." Dean warned.

"Very well, I'll bide my time. But don't think you have seen the last of me. I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too, Ahahahaha!" the wicked witch cackled and disappeared in a plume of green smoke.

"What an annoying old hag." Seamus muttered as he turned back to Dorothy who was looking rather scared.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked.

"I'm really scared now. I want to go home and you three said you could help me get home."

"We can." They all said in unison.

Neville smiled and rubbed her shoulder. "We just need to get you to a special port key that's not too far from here."

"Hey, whoa, stop making moves on my girl." Seamus grumbled as he put his arm around Dorothy.

"Who said she was yours?" Neville asked sharply.

"I did!" Seamus replied. Then he looked to Dean. "Are you going to try to steal me girl too?"

Dean held up his hands. "Nope, sorry but I don't do long distance relationships." He said.

"Boys, please don't fight over me. Besides, I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I really want to get home so please take me to this port key thing so that I can go home." Dorothy said rather urgently.

"Alright, we'll take you there. Right, guys?" Dean said firmly.

"Sure!" Neville chimed in.

"I supposed we'd best get going then." Seamus stated as he started to walk away. Dorothy, Neville, and Dean all looked to each other and then hurried after him.

The sun was sinking behind the clouds as Blaise and Ginny were walking along a yellowish, brick road. They really had no idea where it came from, all they knew was that they had been walking along, engrossed in conversation when they happened to look down to see it.

"You know, I think things will work out well for us as a couple, Blaise." Ginny said softly as she held his hand.

He just nodded quietly as they walked along. For some reason, his attention had suddenly shifted to his surroundings.

"I'd really like to have a baby with you, maybe ten." Ginny said dreamily.

"T-Ten babies?" Blaise raised a brow nervously at her. "Ginny, I really think that is too many."

"I don't, especially since we're going to be intimate all the time. I'm pretty sure that I can get pregnant easily."

"Whoa, let's slow down a minute. We need to talk more about this later. The first thing to work on is us actually having a relationship together. And my only stipulation is to be nice to my socks. I cannot stand socks being abused." Blaise said firmly.

Ginny blinked rapidly.

"Blaise…socks are just socks." She said.

He suddenly stopped in his tracks and spun around glaring at her.

"You have no idea how many socks I have rescued from being abused. Why do you think my box is so full? It's because of people abusing those socks and they have nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to but me!"

"Okay…I see this is a serious subject with you so I'll treat every …sock fairly and I'll do my best to keep them from being harmed."

Blaise's eyes sparkled at hearing this and he smiled. "Ginny, you really sound like you will make a great wife after all." He said proudly.

"Ahahahaha! So, I see a couple of travelers have lost their way!" cackled a voice as a plume of green smoke appeared in front of the two. Out of it stepped an ugly green witch, that yes, we've seen earlier in the story.

Blaise raised an unimpressed brow at the new arrival.

Ginny simply giggled.

"So, my little pretties, who shall I cast a spell on first?" the witch asked hastily.

"Uh…first of all, who the bloody hell do you think you are interrupting our private moment together?" Blaise sneered as his eyes narrowed.

"I am the wicked witch of the west! Hahaha!"

"Is…that your name?" Ginny blinked trying not to burst out into laughter.

"Yeah, what kind of name is that?" Blaise added.

"What is with people asking me _that_?" The wicked witch hissed. "It's my name, alright. It's what I have always been known as and I am sick of people laughing at me because of it!"

"Well, it's just that it's a bit odd to see a witch who has no real name. Everyone in the Wizarding World has a name." Ginny replied.

"The Wizarding What?" the witch blinked.

"The Wizarding World. You know the place you are standing in at this moment." Blaise snapped gesturing around.

"Well, I'm not familiar with that but enough talking, I shall now cast a spell on you to-" the witch began.

"So why are you wasting time telling us?" Blaise interrupted.

"Well, I-"

"Did you know that by explaining everything, you're giving people the chance to escape?"It was Ginny who spoke this time.

"What are you babbling about?" the wicked witch snapped.

"Just telling you that all the mono logging isn't necessary." The red headed girl replied.

"Yeah, and now while you stay here and think about that, we shall be on our way." Blaise said sharply as he grabbed Ginny's hand and the two strode on down the yellow brick road.

"Oh no you don't!" the wicked witch shouted as she started stalking after them. "No one escapes me!"

"Alright you old hag, you're really getting on my nerves now." Blaise sneered as he spun around, eyes gleaming angrily.

Ginny bit her lip and stepped back as she saw how angry he was becoming.

But just then there was a loud pop and both Draco and Hermione appeared out of the air and fell on top of Blaise and Ginny.

Ginny gasped and pushed Hermione off of her, quickly covering her eyes.

"Oh my, that was interesting." Hermione said as she stood up slowly.

"Oof! What the bloody h-" Blaise began, then he gasped and pushed Draco off of him. "Get off me, you git!"

Draco had no problem jumping to his feet and then he looked to Hermione. "You alright?" He asked breathing heavily.

"Yeah, but I think that's the last time that we try having sex while apparating." Hermione replied almost breathlessly.

"Draco? Granger? What the bloody hell are you two doing here…and could you please put some clothes on?" He added turning away.

Draco sighed then waved his wand and clothes appeared on both himself and Hermione.

"There, you happy now?" Draco asked.

"Yes, thank you." Blaise replied, breathing a sigh of relief.

"No problem, now who's the ugly green hag?"

The wicked witch of the west who had been stunned at seeing two naked people had stood gawking until Draco's insulting comment.

"How dare you call me an ugly old hag!" She hissed. "I am a very powerful witch!"

"We're powerful too, and that's why we challenge you to a-"

"Singing duel!" Ginny cut in quickly.

"What?" Blaise asked with a confused look on his face.

"A singing duel? Are you out of your mind, Weaselette?" Draco snapped.

"I like that idea." Hermione smiled. "It would be entertaining to have a singing duel."

"Well, I suppose I could ridicule myself a bit for the sake of entertainment." Draco said slowly.

"Yeah, I can too, especially if it's to get rid of this eyesore!" Blaise agreed.

"So, you four think you can out sing me, do you? Well, I'll show you!"

Then the wicked witch of the west cleared her throat and began to sing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' in the most horrible, screechy voice that one had ever heard.

Blaise, Ginny, Draco, and Hermione squinted and cringed as they listened to the horrendous noise.

When the wicked witch had finished she suddenly found herself standing in front of a wall with the words 'Wizarding Idol' She blinked at the four who were now sitting behind a table, staring at her.

Blaise raised a brow then shook his head. "Ah I don't really think I like this version of that song. It had some pitch problems and I just wasn't feelin' it. I wanted to stand up and say 'Yo, that was the bomb man or it was hot' but unfortunately, I just wasn't feelin' dawg! It didn't click for me; you know what I'm sayin'?"

Hermione sighed then shook her head. "I'm sorry to say but your performance wasn't so great. I am going to have to say it was disappointing." She said with a sigh.

Ginny was all smiles."Y-You know what I liked about your per-performance was th-that it was just very vibrant. And you made it your own and I think that it has some potential but not a lot. And I'm trying to be the one to boost your confidence but I just can't seem to do that. And I haven't taken any drugs yet, so that m-might be why I wasn't standing up and cheering and dancing. I think with practice you might get better." She said as she stumbled through every sentence.

"That was an absolute train wreck. One of the most horrendous performances I have ever seen ." Draco began as out of nowhere people began booing. However he cleared his throat and shook his head. "This was not only the wrong song choice for you, but this was the wrong kind of competition for you. There were sharps and flats where they didn't need to be. It was horribly pitchy, you had no breath support nor did you even attempt to sing correctly. You are not very likable and you just cannot sing. I'm sorry but you are the worst singer I have ever heard."

The wicked witch gasped in shock at the terrible comments that had been thrown at her.

"Alright, it's our turn now." Blaise said proudly as he and the other stood up. The Wizarding Idol wall, logo and table disappeared and now the four were trying to decide who would sing what. After a few moments of deliberating, Ginny stepped forward, now nervously holding a mic in her hand. She swallowed and then began to sing.

"Every night in my dreams, I see you. I feel you. That is how I know we belong.

Far across the distance, and places between us, I am glad you want me today.

Me and you, we'll make our dreams come true

Even if we're from places so far.

I love you, you'll make my dreams come true, and I'm glad we're together always!"

Then Ginny stopped as everyone blinked rapidly at her. She giggled nervously. "Sorry, I don't know the words to that song." She admitted.

"They why did you bloody sing it?" Draco snapped.

"I thought it had nice music." She replied.

"The readers can't hear the music! You need to sing something better. And while you think of it, I will sing next." Hermione insisted as she snatched the mic away from Ginny.

"That's my girl!" Draco said proudly. Then he blinked as he heard music fade in. "Hey is that 'Material Girl' music?" He suddenly asked.

Hermione winked at Draco and confidently began to sing.

"Boys like Harry can be quite scary and Ron can't do a thi-ing

Krum is boring while Dean is snoring and that is so bor-ing

Times get tough and times get rough and I can't stay awake

I'm so glad that I caught the attention, of a Slytherin sna-ake

Cause we are living in a Wizarding World and I've become a Malfoy girl

Whoa we are living in a Wizarding World and I've become a Malfoy girl."

"Yeah, baby!" Draco cheered as Blaise and Ginny clapped along with the song.

Hermione blew the handsome blonde a kiss then continued on with the song.

"A Malfoy girl is what I am and what I am happy to be-e.

If any guy tries to cause me harm-"

"Then they'll have to deal with me-e" Draco cut in.

"He's so hot and he's so fine, I'm glad that he chose me-e"

"I'm happy love and I'm here for you but right now I've got to pee-e" Draco cut in again as he rushed into the woods.

"Cause we are living in a Wizarding World and I've become a Malfoy girl" Hermione sang happily.

Whoa living in a Wizarding World and I've become a Malfoy girl.

Cause we are living in a Wizarding World and I've become a Malfoy girl

Whoa we are living in a Wizarding World and I've become a Malfoy girl."

"Wow, good job, Hermione!" Ginny shouted as she and Blaise applauded.

The wicked witch of the west just rolled her eyes.

"That was boring!" She grumbled.

"Alright, since Draco isn't back yet, I'll go ahead and do my song." Blaise said as Hermione handed him the mic.

He looked to Ginny and Hermione who smiled at him then he popped his neck and began to sing.

"Oh I'm a Slytherin and I'm okay

I know I'm hot each night and day.

My eyes are bright, my skin is dark

And my you-know-what's top pick

It would make all guys jealous,

Cause it's so long and thick!"

"Blaise!" Ginny gasped as her cheeks began turning red. "That isn't an appropriate song! Please sing something else."

Blaise rolled his eyes. "I'll change the lyrics then because you haven't seen my –"

"Blaise!" Ginny snapped.

"Well you haven't seen it yet, so I'll be nice and change the lyrics of the song." He said slowly.

"Thank you." Ginny replied, breathing a sigh of relief.

Blaise smirked then looked around slowly before he put the mic to his lips. Then he chuckled and began to sing.

"Ohh, I'm a Slytherin and I'm okay

I'm not like Draco who is gay.

At least I'm straight, and women I date

Know I can really kiss

I'm much hotter than that Draco

Who went to take a piss!"

"Stop that!" Hermione snapped, grabbing another mic and stomping over to him.

"Don't insult my future husband! Nature called."

"Then he should have called it back or let it skip to voicemail." Blaise muttered.

"That wasn't even funny Blaise, but since you want to be rude, I've got a song for you!" Hermione then began to sing.

"Ohh, I'm Blaise Zabini and I love socks

I like to steal them off the jocks

I just can't stop, I want them all

They turn me on you see.

I want my socks much more

Than I want Ginny Weasley"

"Hey, that's not nice!" Ginny gasped.

"Yeah and it's not true either." Blaise growled. "But since you want to go there…" He smirked and began to sing.

"Oh I'm Draco Malfoy, and I'm so bad

I'm quite the idiot like my dad

I can't keep my comments to my self

I always have to brag.

I'm lucky I got Granger

At least for a one night shag!"

"Ohh you want to get nasty now, do you?" Hermione hissed.

"You started it, _mudblood_." Blaise replied viciously.

"I _know_ that I didn't just hear you call my future wife _that_ name!" Draco sneered as he appeared now dressed differently. He was now wearing a black hoodie with green printed snake on it, black shades, sagging black pants, dark green shoes, bandana, and holding a black and green electric guitar.

"Whoa, what's up with that get up?" Blaise chuckled.

Draco grinned then shrugged. 'I don't know, but I look hot. And now I think it's my turn."

He took a deep breath then began to play the guitar quickly as he began to sing.

"All the small things, true spells, we fling

I'll take once chance, at this romance

Always, I know, Together ,we grow

Each day, each night, we'll be alright

Say it ain't so, I will not-"

"Um, Draco. Wait, this just isn't a good song for you." Hermione suddenly cut in. "Could you try to sing something more romantic?"

Draco thought for a moment then shrugged. "Okay, I got one!" He replied.

"You can torture me, with anything you need

You can break my wand when I am gone.

Or you can break my nose, and rip my panty hose

And laugh and talk about me all day long.

You can shred my hair, and steal my underwear

And even take a dump right in my bed.

But one thing I must ask, and it's not a big task

Is make sure that Achey Brakey Song stays dead.

So don't sing that song, I've heard it all day long

It's so out of touch and out of class

And if you sing that song, that achey brakey song

I will Avada Kedavra your ass!

Whoooo Ooooo!"

"No! No, stop! You're going to make someone deaf." Hermione said firmly. "And that wasn't even remotely romantic! Now come on, Draco, please sing a romantic song."

"No! Stop singing! I can't handle you four! I'm leaving." The wicked witch yelled. The she disappeared in a plume of green smoke.

"Well I'd say that we got rid of her, now does anyone have the urge to lock arms and skip down this yellow brick road?" Ginny asked smiling widely.

"No." The other three replied in unison.

"How about we just walk along and see where this road takes us?" Hermione asked.

"I suppose that we could do that." Draco said taking her hand.

"Shall we?" Blaise asked gesturing to Ginny.

"Yes, we shall." She replied.

And so, the four of them casually strolled down the yellow brick road.

Meanwhile about ten miles ahead of the two couples, Ron and Luna had also discovered the yellow brick road and had begun to follow it in the opposite direction. The silvery moon had now risen into the sky and had been accompanied by a series of twinkling stars.

"It's a lovely night, isn't it, Ron?" Luna said softly as they walked along.

"I suppose so." Ron replied gently as he walked along with her.

"I know that it is strange for us to be coupled together but it is also refreshing."

Ron just chuckled lightly. "Yeah, well I have to admit that it's pleasant though I never would have thought of it in a million years." He replied.

"Neither would I. I was always convinced that my future would be cold and lonely and that my only purpose in life would be to seek out creatures that most don't believe exist." Luna commented.

Ron nodded quietly.

"Do you think we will have a happy future together?" She asked.

Ron cleared his throat. "I…uh don't know but I'd like to. I mean you may be a little strange at times but you've got a very pleasant, calming personality. I like how you're not uptight and that we can talk without arguing."

"I like that we can talk together too. And there are times where I get a little befuddled but I think it is because of my past. Still, I feel better knowing I have you with me now." She smiled.

Ron's cheeks flushed and he cleared his throat as he came to a stop.

Luna stopped and looked concerned. "Did I say something wrong?" She asked hesitantly.

"No, not at all." Ron replied as he stared at her. "There's just something about you that is mesmerizing."

"I am just myself and wish to be liked for who I am. After all, I like you for who you are."

Ron felt his heart flutter as he gazed at her dreamily. However, a suddenly howl in the night, snapped him from his dreamy state and quickly put him on the alert.

"I think that was a werewolf." Luna stated bluntly.

"I was afraid you would say that." Ron gulped.

"Oh look, a cornfield!" Luna said pointing to the rather large stalks of corn to the left of her.

And then in the night, a voice spoke.

"Ex-Excuse me, could one of you kindly get me down from here?" said a male voice.

Luna blinked and started walking towards the cornfield.

"Luna, come back!" Ron whispered sharply.

"Oh it's alright, it's just a man made out of straw." She replied slowly as she pointed at a scarecrow that was hanging from a thick, wooden post.

"A scarecrow?" Ron inquired as he slowly followed Luna into the cornfield.

"I can get you down." Luna said as she whipped out her wand and swished it a couple of times.

Moments later the wooden post disappeared and the scarecrow fell to the ground.

"Oh my, I'm free!" He shouted joyously as he stumbled to his feet. He had some trouble balancing but after a few attempts he was able to remain on his feet.

"Oh thank you so much!" The scarecrow said.

"You are most welcome." Luna replied. "I am sure that it was quite lonely and uncomfortable up there."

"Yes, it was but now that I am free, I can go where I please." He said proudly.

"Well, it was nice meeting you and all but we must be on our way." Ron announced as he took Luna's hand into his.

"Yes, we must go but we wish you well." Luna said softly.

"Thanks, but I think I'd really like to stay with you two, especially the attractive young lady." The scarecrow said as he took Luna's other hand and kissed it.

"Sorry, but we're kind of wanting to continue on our own." Ron mumbled.

"But I won't be able to function on my own. I need this young lady to guide me." And with that he scooped Luna up in his arms and began to carry her away.

"Wait just a bloody minute; what do you think you are doing with my woman?" Ron shouted.

But the scarecrow continued on carrying a rather confused Luna in his arms. And as he did so, he broke into song.

"I could prove to you I'm happy

And things could get quite sappy

If you're up to a little fun.

I'd be better than a wizard

And I'd even show my lizard

If you'd let me get things done."

"You pervert!" Ron snapped as he rushed after them.

"I hate to join this stupid singing

It makes my ears start ringing

But now I have no choice.

If you want to duel with singing

Then you'd best match what I'm bringing

If you fight me with your voice."

"Ron, that was lovely." Luna commented.

"Yeah well, I hate to sing but since this is how this idiot fights, I don't really have a choice." Ron replied.

"Ha! You're terrible at singing. Why don't you just run along and let me keep the girl." The scarecrow replied hastily.

Ron cleared his throat.

"Sorry, but I won't back down." He replied.

"Fine, then." The scarecrow reached into his shirt and pulled out two pieces of sheet music and tossed one at Ron who caught it.

"Then I challenge you to a sing off." The scarecrow said. "And whatever song you have, you've got to make up lyrics to."

"Fine!" Ron looked down at the paper in his hand then blinked rapidly.

The scarecrow laughed and then presented his paper which was blank!

"Hey, you can't do that!" Ron yelled.

"Yes I can and if you can't make up lyrics to that song, then you lose!"

Ron looked uneasy.

"You can do it, Ron. I believe in you." Luna said and that gave Ron confidence as well as put a smile on his freckled face. "Alright, here I go." He said.

"I feel like I've found love tonight

But this stupid guy just noxed my light

Challenging me with this stupid singing

And taunting me to sing tonight

Just makes my fists want to wind up tight

And makes me want to give a beating.

Ohh Ohh Ohh

My body say go,

Ohh Ohh Ohh

And you really need to know

If you want to mess with me

The you've got a price to pay

You'd better let my girl go,

and run the other way.

If you want to mess with me

Then you'd better pay the price

Cause I'm not very happy

And I'm through with playing nice.

If you want to mess with me,

Then you've got a price to pay

I'm a Weasley with a bottle

That I'll smash right in your face."

"You're so talented, Ron." Luna sighed dreamily.

The scarecrow dropped Luna from his arms and turned glaring at Ron, as suddenly his eyes began to glow red and fangs appeared in his mouth. "So, you dared to threaten me through a song. Well then I will just eat your little blonde girlfriend here, Hahaha!"

"Stupify!" Ron shouted as he blasted the scarecrow with the stunning spell. However as it hit its target, the man of straw blew to pieces. Ron blinked then shoved his wand away and went to help Luna up.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he helped brush the dirt from her clothes.

"Yes, I feel safe now." She replied dreamily.

Then, suddenly all throughout the cornfield there came wicked laughter and sinister whispering.

"I'm beginning to feel frightened." Luna whispered as Ron embraced her.

"I am too."

And the laughter and whispers began to grow louder and from all around them, pairs of red eyes began glaring out of the stalks of corn. And then slowly, small figures no taller than a house elf, began to emerge.

"R-Ron, those look like little children." Luna commented.

"Y-Yeah, and they don't look very friendly." Ron replied nervously.

"I can't believe we're going to die like this." He whimpered.

And as the child-like beings began to approach the two, thunder began sounding overhead accompanied by lightning and drops of rain.

"Ron, can't we just apparate?" Luna asked.

"We could try though I am not good at it and I've been known to do a lot of splinching."Ron replied nervously. Then he sighed, 'But losing a finger is better than losing our lives to these things."

Luna clung to him tightly. "Alright hold on, here we go!" Ron said. Then with a loud crackle they disappeared.

Harry and Bellatrix had split off from Dumbledore and Voldie, and had wandered into a nearby pet shop where Bellatrix had grown attached to a lovely little brown, pigmy owl that was sitting in a silver cage. Harry; being the gentleman he was; gladly bought the owl in the silver cage and the two had merrily went on their way.

However, a half an hour later, the two were briskly walking back to the same pet shop. And this time, neither one was very happy.

As they entered the pet shop again, the clerk lifted a brow.

"Back so soon?" He asked.

"Yes, we wanted to return this owl and get a refund." Harry said firmly.

"You can't return it." The clerk replied.

"And why not?" question Harry.

"Because we don't take back animals that were killed by their owners."

"We didn't kill it!" Bellatrix snapped clearly becoming upset.

"Now, now dear, I will handle this. You go wait outside for me." Harry said to her.

"That's probably the best idea, Harry. I'm sure if I stayed in here, I'd eventually Avada him." Bellatrix mumbled as she walked out the door.

"Alright now, about my refund." Harry said turning to the clerk.

"You don't get one." The clerk replied simply.

"Why not?"

"It's not really dead, it's just _playing_ dead. It's a new trick."

"Are you trying to take me for a fool? This owl is not playing dead. It _is_ dead." Harry snapped.

"No, it's not. It probably just passed out because your breath smells bad." the clerk said bluntly.

"I highly doubt that." Harry replied unimpressed.

"But I'll be nice and let you keep it for free." The clerk said proudly.

"Why the bloody hell would I want to _keep_ it? It's dead!"

"No, it's not. It's just playing."

"You can't pull that on me again, you've already admitted that it's dead."

"Well, I suppose that's true, but you're still not getting a refund."

"Well then I'd like another owl that looks exactly like this one." Harry insisted.

"We don't sell owls here."

"Yes, you do! You sold me this one a half an hour ago."

"That wasn't a sell. It was a gift."

"No, it wasn't! It was a very expensive owl and you didn't bother to tell me that it was sick."

"You didn't ask."

"Well why did you sell me a sick owl?"

"Why didn't you ask if it was sick before you bought it?"

"Well if I would have asked, then would you have given me a discount on it?" Harry inquired.

"Nope. I'd have never told you that it was a sickly owl."

"I'm not surprised."

" But look at the bright side, at least you can keep it."

"I don't _want_ to keep it. All I want is a for you to either replace this owl or give me a refund!"

"I'm not doing either."

"Great." Harry threw his arms up in defeat.

"By the way, would you like a kitten?" The clerk offered.

"A kitten?"

"Yes, you know, a little ball of fur that meows all hours of the night and pukes in your best shoes?"

"I _know_ what a kitten is!" Harry snapped with an annoyed sigh.

"Well, would you like one? I'm sure it would replace the owl."

"I-I suppose so. How much would one cost?" Harry asked irritably.

"I don't know." The clerk shrugged.

"Well, how am I supposed to buy a kitten from you if you don't know how much it will cost?"

"Oh we don't sell kittens here."

"Then why the bloody hell did you just offer me one?"

"I didn't. I was just making conversation."

Harry groaned and then turned and stomped out of the pet shop. His head was spinning and he was ready to call it a night.

"Oh Harry, did you get a refund?" Bellatrix asked.

"No, the crazy git did give me a headache though." Harry replied, rubbing his temple.

Just then there was a loud crackle and suddenly Luna and Ron appeared.

Ron, what are you two doing here and…" Harry paused. "What happened to your left arm?"

Ron blinked then groaned as he noticed that from the elbow down, his arm was gone. "Why is it always my left arm?" The red head mumbled.

"Are you two doing anything special?" Luna asked.

"No, as a matter of fact we're on our way home." Harry replied. "You two can join us for dinner if you want."

"Thanks for the invitation, Harry, but Luna and I are going to go to my house for the night."

"Alright then, good night you two." Harry replied. Then he and Bellatrix vanished with a loud pop.

Luna smiled at Ron. "I've enjoyed being coupled with you in this story. I do hope we will become a couple in another one someday." She whispered.

"You know, I hope so too. We really get on quite well." Ron replied. And then he felt Luna's lips touch his and fell into the warm, tender kiss.

After a moment Luna pulled away and then whistled loudly. Down from the sky two thestrals descended and Luna climbed on one. "I think this mode of transportation is safer for you." She said.

Ron chuckled then climbed on the other thestral. "Yeah, I agree."

"Shall we go?" She asked.

"Lead the way." Ron replied.

Then the thestrals spread their wings and flew off into the night's sky.

Seamus, Neville, Dorothy, and Dean had finally made it to the port key; a large cherry blossom tree.

"There you go, just tell it you want to go home and it will take you there."

"Thank you guys so very much." Dorothy said as she started towards the tree.

"Oh no you don't!" a voice shrieked and suddenly the wicked witch of the west appeared in front of Dorothy.

"You're not leaving until I get my ruby slippers!"

"You can have them…if you beat Dorothy in a duel!" Seamus said smugly.

"Oh no you don't, I will not go through another singing duel!" The witch hissed.

"No, not a singing duel, a fighting duel." Dean chimed in.

Just then Dorothy had a dose of courage hit her and she pulled out of red and white ball the size of her palm. "Let's battle, then!" She said, tossing the ball up into the air. It magically opened and Toto came bounding out barking wildly.

"Alright Toto, let's show this hag that we mean business!"

"Arf Arf!" Toto barked as he took a fighting stance.

"Very well, then I'll just have to use my winged monkey, Chistery." The wicked witch of the west cackled as she pulled out a similar ball like Dorothy's and tossed it into the air.

"Go Chistery!" She shouted as the ball opened and out flew a winged monkey.

"Alright, the first person to knock the other's creature out, wins the ruby slippers!" Neville announced.

"Toto, use speed!" Dorothy shouted.

"Chistery, use whirlwind!" the wicked witch yelled.

Toto barked and then suddenly began to move faster.

Chistery began flapping his wings quickly and formed a small whirlwind.

Luckily, Toto's speed was quick enough to avoid a direct hit.

"Toto, use roar!" Dorothy called out.

"Chistery, use Monkey Strength!"

Toto let out a loud roar and caused the winged monkey to freeze in fear, disabling it's Monkey Strength move.

"Alright now, Super Stream Urine Attack! Go Toto!" Dorothy shouted.

And the little dog charged towards the winged monkey and leaped into the air releasing a stream of all of the contents of its little bladder.

"Dodge it!" screamed the wicked witch and Chistery did just that. But unfortunately, the wicked witch of the west got the brunt of the attack and it proved to be a critical hit!

"Agh!!!!!!!" the witch cried out and then to everyone's surprise, she began to melt. "No! I'm melting…melting. I almost had those ruby slippers and I would have gotten them too if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their urinating dog!" And moments later there was nothing left of the wicked witch except her black, pointy hat laying in the middle of a yellow puddle.

"Whoa! That was a rather disgusting but interesting battle." Seamus said, and the other two young men echoed that.

"Good boy, Toto!" Dorothy praised as she picked up the little dog that had finished his business.

"Ahem, well Dorothy, I guess this is goodbye." Neville said slowly.

"Yes, I must be getting home but thank you for your help. " Dorothy replied.

Then she slowly reached out towards the tree. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." And as she touched the tree, she disappeared in a white light.

"Well guys, I guess this is it." Seamus sighed.

"What are you talking about?" Neville asked.

"He means that we're getting very close to the end of the story." Dean replied.

"Already?" Neville replied.

"I'm afraid so. It seems like all the loose ends have been tied up." Dean answered.

"Well, we might as well wrap up our portion. Do you guys want to come over and hang out for a bit?" Seamus asked.

"Sure, we most likely won't be in the story anymore anyway." Neville replied.

"Right then, let's go!" Dean said.

And the three disappeared with a loud pop.

Back on the yellow brick road, Draco, Hermione, Blaise, and Ginny had been walking for quite a while.

"We've been walking for hours it seems." Ginny complained.

"Yes, and we're not getting anywhere. There's been no change of scenery at all." Hermione added.

"You know, you girls are right. This is really boring." Blaise agreed.

"I'm ready to go home." Draco said as he finally stopped in his tracks.

"I am too." Blaise grumbled.

"I think this is the boring part of the story. And since we're coming to the end, there's nothing left to really do." Hermione sighed.

"Draco Malfoy does _not_ do 'boring' and how about we all go back to my house and relax?" Draco suggested.

"Yeah, Blaise Zabini doesn't do 'boring' as well. And sure, let's go!" Blaise said anxiously.

Ginny and Hermione smiled and then nodded.

And then with a loud pop, the two happy couples vanished into the air.

In case anyone was wondering, Dumbledore and Voldie had gone back to relax at Hogwarts.

"Ahhh, this place is always inviting." Dumbledore said as the two sat in front of a crackling fire sipping hot chocolate.

"I must agree. It's nice to be back here." Voldie sighed.

"Yes, and now that I'm back, I'll be Headmaster once more."

"Oh Dumblekins, does that mean that you won't be home as much when the school year is in session?"

"I am afraid so, Voldiepoo." Dumbledore mumbled.

"That's just not fair!" Voldie pouted.

Dumbledore thought for a moment, then half-smiled. "You know, we always seem to need a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and since you know the Dark Arts in and out, how would you like the job?"

"Oh really?" Voldie beamed happily. "I'd love it! I could teach the students how to defend themselves from Dark Creatures. After all, there are more dangerous things out there than me."

"Yes, though try not to be too intimidating to the students. They will be fearful of you at first."

"Oh then I will have to bake lots of cookies for them!" Voldie replied excitedly.

"I think that is a good start." Dumbledore replied.

And then he held his cup up. Voldie did the same.

"A toast to a new year and a new life for us all!"

"Cheers!" Voldie said happily.

And so everyone lived happily ever after….at least until the new school year began.

But that, my friends, is another story.

THE END?


	3. Wild AU Submission Three

**_A/N: Attention Members of PHFF!! This is a submission for Jude's Wild AU Challenge! Polling will commence on March 18, 2009 and will close at 8pm EST on March 28, 2009. Please read and cast your votes for your favorite Wild AU Fic!!_**

**_Enjoy the madness..._**

* * *

"_The Book Brawl"_

"And now, introducing…_Jerry Seinfeld_!!!"

"Thank you!! So…_what is up_ with Harry Potter? Is it me or is everyone suddenly running around wearing robes and waving wands? I'm afraid to get on the subway- someone might try to hex me!! I mean, just yesterday some kid with a big pointy hat tried to shove it on my head and sort me into Ravenclaw! Seriously people, this isn't good…it's an unstoppable epidemic. The next thing you know, we'll all be reading and writing Harry Potter fanfiction and shouting expletives like 'Merlin's Pants!' and 'Salazar's Salty Sack!' Something has to be done about this Potter mania, and fast…"

~~~****~~~

Jerry Seinfeld lounged comfortably on his oversized leather couch, his sneaker-clad feet thrown up on the coffee table. He stared blankly at the television, eyes drooping slightly as sleep threatened to take hold of his body. He had just begun to doze off when the door to his apartment flew open and Cosmo Kramer slid inside.

"Jerry!" Kramer boomed as he closed the door and ambled toward the couch. He wore an untucked Hawaiian shirt, high-water khakis, and a pair of black sneakers.

"What is it now, Kramer?" Jerry asked, voice thick with sarcasm.

"I ran into George downstairs…you'll never believe it!" Kramer replied as he gestured his hands wildly, "he's dating Helena Bonham Carter!"

Jerry shot upwards and turned to face his lanky neighbor, who was still gesturing like a madman. "Helena Bonham Carter? _The_ Helena Bonham Carter?"

Kramer nodded frantically. "The one and only," he replied excitedly, "George introduced me to her!!"

"And he said her name was _Helena Bonham Carter_?" Jerry inquired skeptically.

Kramer frowned and raised a bushy brow. "Well, no…but he did introduce her as Helena!"

Jerry furrowed his brows and pursed is lips. "That doesn't mean that it's Helena Bonham Carter! It could be Helena Bonham…Cotter for all we know."

"Yeah, well, she looked _just_ like her. George said that he was going to bring her to the coffee shop today for dinner, so you can make the call yourself," Kramer replied with a shrug.

_So George is dating Helena Bonham Carter…how'd he pull that off?_

Jerry raised a brow. "What were they doing?" he wondered aloud.

Kramer smirked. "She's apparently a big Harry Potter fan and George was taking her to buy the newest book," he replied with a snort, "if you ask me, all those Potter fans are nuts."

Jerry nodded in agreement. "I couldn't agree more," he said with a shake of his head, "those Potter freaks are everywhere…and now George is dating one of 'em…"

"Yeah…wait, isn't she in the movie?" Kramer asked curiously, "I mean, doesn't that give her diplomatic immunity or something?"

It was true. Helena Bonham Carter had a part in the new Harry Potter film that would open in just a few months. Jerry shook his head and scoffed loudly.

"Well, isn't that just the pretty pretentious picture," he mocked, "Doesn't the woman already have the script? What the hell does she need the book for? Sheesh…I'll tell ya' Kramer, I've had it up to here with these Potter fanatics. Something has to be done about 'em- they're taking over the city!"

Kramer opened his mouth to reply but was unexpectedly interrupted by a buzzing intercom. Jerry hastened to the small gold box and pushed the button.

"Who is it?" he asked.

"It's me," a haughty, female voice boomed.

"All right," Jerry replied gruffly and pushed the entry button. The intercom buzzed loudly and within minutes, Elaine Benes strode through the door.

"Hey," she greeted them as she shrugged off her overcoat. Throwing it on the nearby countertop, she advanced into the kitchen and began rummaging around in the fridge. "What are you guys up to?"

"Nothing much, just talking about George's new girlfriend," Jerry replied with contention.

Elaine poked her head out from behind the fridge door and raised a brow. "George is dating someone new? Do I know her?"

Jerry and Kramer looked at each other conspiringly.

"You could say that," Kramer replied cryptically.

Elaine emerged from the kitchen with a Lemon Snapple in hand. "Well?" she pressed, "who is it?"

If there was one thing both men knew about Elaine Benes, it was that she hated being left in the dark.

Jerry composed himself and faced her with a resigned expression. "Helena Bonham Carter."

Elaine sniggered as she leaned back against the counter top. "Good one," she replied, raising the bottle in salutation. She took a long pull from her beverage then exhaled, smacking her lips with satisfaction. "Who's he _really_ dating?"

The men looked at each other again. "Helena Bonham Carter…"

Elaine stood up and crossed her arms. "You're joking."

Kramer shook his head and Elaine nearly dropped her Snapple. "_George_? _George_ Costanza…_our_ George…is dating _Helena Bonham Carter_?"

Jerry nodded briefly and Elaine launched herself towards him. "_GET OUT_!" she screamed and pushed him backwards. Jerry stumbled a bit but managed to remain upright. He had learned that surprising Elaine meant enduring these little 'love shoves'.

"I can't believe it! George is dating Helena Bonham Carter?! How'd he pull that off?" she cried in astonishment.

Jerry chuckled. "I was wondering the very same thing."

"When do we meet her?" Elaine exclaimed, still in an obvious state of shock.

"From what I've heard, we're all having dinner together," Jerry replied dully.

Elaine glanced at her watch and huffed. "Dammit, I've gotta go. Peterman wants me to get a copy of the new Harry Potter book. It seems the U.S. Postal Service lost his pre-ordered copy and, being that he was the only person in New York who had snagged a pre-order- he's got a friend at the publishing house- he says he's been cheated out of Nirvana."

"_Nirvana_?"

"Yeah," Elaine replied, rolling her eyes, "I guess there's some big battle at the end that determines the balance of good and evil and Peterman says by losing his copy, the U.S. Postal Service may have inadvertently threatened the mental well being of an upstanding New York citizen. Personally, I can't understand the fascination with a bunch of underage brats wielding sticks…I mean, he's a wizard, for cryin' out loud…what's so special about that? We've already got the _Wizard of Oz_, why do we need some little British brat with a disfigured face too?"

Jerry and Kramer nodded in agreement as Elaine grabbed her coat and exited the apartment.

"See, she gets it…why can't anyone else??" Jerry muttered irritably.

Kramer turned around abruptly, a mischievous expression spreading over his face. "Jerry, I've got an idea!"

Jerry immediately took a hesitant step backwards. Kramer's ideas didn't always go as planned and he suddenly felt a bit leery about participating in his wacky machinations.

"I don't know," he said warily, "the last time I teamed up with you I ended up in a pair of cowboy boots on a bus bound for New Jersey."

Kramer sniggered loudly. "Aw, c'mon Jerry, you're not still upset about that, are ya'?"

Jerry harrumphed and shook his head. "What's the plan?" he asked, immediately regretting this decision as Kramer flashed him a crafty smile.

"All right, we know this new book is the 'be all end all', right?" Kramer began pacing the floor, still gesturing like a wild man.

Jerry nodded.

"So, I propose we find out exactly what happens at the end of the book, litter the streets with flyers-"

"Spoiling the end for all the Potter fanatics!" Jerry interrupted excitedly, "Kramer, that's not half bad!!"

Kramer smiled maniacally and crossed his arms. "So, you're in?"

"You're damn right, I'm in!" Jerry replied excitedly, "We'll give those little wand wielding freaks a dose of reality! Now we just need to figure out the end. Hmm…the book was just released, how are we going to our hands on one?"

Kramer screwed up his face in concentration and, after several minutes, he snapped his fingers. "Newman!" he cried.

Jerry wrinkled his nose in disgust. "What about him?"

"He'll know the answer…Newman knows everything about Harry Potter…"

"Doesn't surprise me," Jerry muttered darkly.

~~~****~~~

Elaine Benes leaned stiffly against a table in a New York bookstore and sighed irritably. Her feet ached from standing in a mile long line of Harry Potter fans and she longed to sit down in one of the comfortable chairs just a few feet from where she stood. Her boss, upon his arrival that morning, had immediately requested that she haul herself down to the nearest bookstore and pick him up a copy of the new Harry Potter release. Unbeknownst to either of them, the 'nearest bookstore' carrying a copy was in Chinatown- every other bookstore in Manhattan had sold out earlier that morning. Not that it mattered…regrettably, when J. Peterman made a request, Elaine was expected to complete the task successfully- regardless of extenuating circumstances. Even if those circumstances included an entire island being sold out of Harry Potter books.

To her dismay, it seemed that J. Peterman had jumped on the proverbial bandwagon known as Potter Mania, as had half the damn city. So here she was, waiting impatiently amongst a mob of Potter loving fools. She sighed again and glanced at the figure looming in front of her. She assumed it was a man- she couldn't be too sure- he donned a black cloak with a hood and a bone white mask covered his face. He was staring down at her ominously and she smiled uncomfortably. Turning sideways, she peeked at the person behind her- a young girl wearing a pleated gray skirt, prim button down, and crimson and gold tie. She clutched a smooth stick in her hand. Elaine raised a brow as the girl began waving her wand playfully and calling out strange incantations.

_What a bunch of freaks…and what the_ _hell is _thatguy_ wearing_??

Several feet away stood a man in a massive periwinkle cloak. He had a major case of Perma-Grin and he kept shoving autographed pictures of himself in the hands of innocent bystanders. Elaine shook her head disparagingly as the man flipped his golden locks and swaggered around haughtily, spinning his cloak out like Zorro the Gay Blade.

And to top it all off, just ahead of him, a small group of girls had suddenly burst into song-

_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,  
Teach us something, please,  
Whether we be old and bald  
Or young with scabby knees,  
Our heads could do with filling  
With some interesting stuff,  
For now they're bare and full of air,  
Dead flies and bits of fluff,  
So teach us things worth knowing,  
Bring back what we've forgot,  
Just do your best, we'll do the rest,  
And learn until our brains all rot. _

The girls erupted in a fit of giggles and Elaine stared at them scathingly, her mouth hanging open in surprise. She just couldn't wrap her head around the idea that these people were _that_ obsessed with _fictional_ characters. It was truly disturbing.

"Elaine?" a familiar voice said suddenly. Jarred from her cynically driven analysis, Elaine turned towards the familiar voice and nearly fell over.

Standing arm in arm were George Costanza and Helena Bonham Carter. Elaine blinked in disbelief and immediately found herself at a loss for words.

George looked at her expectantly but when she didn't reply he cleared his throat. "Uh, _Elaine_?" he prodded, raising a brow.

"George! Um…hi!" she exclaimed with a self-conscious chuckle, "How are you?"

Her eyes darted between the short, balding man and his gorgeous companion.

George glanced at the woman next to him and smiled triumphantly. "Doing well, this is Helena. Helena, meet Elaine."

Elaine had hardly had time to react before her friend continued. "We're dating," he added smugly, though not without amazement. In fact, Elaine was fairly certain that George was mere seconds from dancing the Hava Nagila.

Elaine stared at Helena Bonham Carter with wide eyes- still completely unable to speak. George let a high-pitched, and rather maniacal, giggle escaped him as he surveyed Elaine's stunned expression.

Shaking her head, she managed to squeak out a few dubious words. "Hi, it's lovely to meet you."

"Likewise," Helena replied, her thick British accent rolling off her pristine lips.

Elaine just stared at her in awe and George shuffled uncomfortably. "So, uh, you're waiting in line for a book, are ya'?" he inquired, his voice small and beseeching.

Elaine narrowed her eyes as the line moved forward. She knew that tone. He wanted something.

"Yeah…Peterman asked me to pick up a copy," she replied evenly, her brows raised in silent challenge.

George noticed her subtle defiance and immediately winced. "Uh, I hate to be pushy Elaine, but, uh…well…"

"Yes?" she pressed, tone strong and daring.

George ran his hands over his scalp and he fidgeted nervously. "Um…"

"The bloke managing the store said we could cut in at the front of the line, seeing as _I'm_ the one looking to buy," Helena interjected coolly. Her expression was just as challenging as Elaine's, though hers was loaded with malice.

Elaine chuckled heartily and bent slightly forward, her hands on her hips. "Oh he did, did he?" she replied with a mocking salute.

"Yes," Helena replied curtly.

"Aren't you in the movie?" Elaine asked, "I mean, uh, wouldn't being in the movie give you a bit of a one up on the rest of us? Why do _you_ need a copy so badly?"

Helena smiled mockingly. "The Publishing House has been hard nosed about sharing anything with anyone."

"So you just assumed you could line jump me because you're rich and famous?"

George chuckled awkwardly and stepped between the two women. "Uh, actually Elaine, I saw you and thought 'why not ask Elaine, she's a friend' so here we are."

"Here you are." It was corporeal sarcasm.

The line moved forward yet again and the three of them with it. The trio found themselves at the front, the book display only a few feet from where they had squared off. Crazy cloak man had just stepped forward to claim his book and, as he moved aside, it was then that Elaine and her British opponent noticed that only a single copy of the highly coveted title was left on the shelf.

The two looked at each other and then back at the book. Suddenly, as if in slow motion, the two women launched themselves at the display case. Helena's hand gripped Elaine's long, raven locks as she inched in ahead of the actress and she screamed as her head was wrenched backwards. Throwing her arm out, she backhanded the Brit and both of them stumbled to the ground. The girl behind them began waving her wand and shouting things like, 'Petrificus Totalus!' and 'Stupefy!' as the women rolled on the floor like a pair of angry Gryffindors fighting over the Boy Who Lived.

Elaine managed to pry her head out of Helena's vice-like grip and she began crawling toward the bookshelf. Suddenly, the mad Brit's foot shot out, thumping Elaine in the stomach. She doubled over, coughing frantically, but managed to keep the actress from overtaking her by grabbing one of her legs as she slithered towards the display.

George and a group of male Harry Potter fans had gathered together to watch the altercation, adoration eminent on each of their faces. The Potter villainous and her muggle opponent rolled around on the ground, their bodies pressed tightly together and the men gave a collective gasp.

"Think they'll do it?!" an older Harry Potter fan in a 'puffy shirt' asked excitedly.

George faced him with a resigned expression. "I know both these women," he said evenly, shaking his head "and the chance that they'll make out is slim to none."

All the men sighed in disappointment. "But there's always the chance of a miracle!!" he exclaimed with eagerness and the men began murmuring excitedly.

Meanwhile, a rather rotund individual in a postal uniform had stepped forward.

Carefully inching his way around the fighting females, he grabbed the book off the display and sniggered elatedly.

George did a double take as he recognized the devious mailman. "_Newman_?!"

The portly postal worker gave a victorious hoot, winked at George, and dashed towards the check out line- the very last copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ left in Manhattan tucked under his arm.

~~~****~~~

Jerry Seinfeld sat impatiently in his apartment. He had been waiting for Kramer for over three hours and the bumbling fool had yet to rear his mammoth cranium. Jerry sighed and crossed his arms- waiting on people had never been his forte.

Suddenly, the door to his apartment flew open and Elaine, and her shredded ensemble, limped gingerly inside.

Jerry's mouth fell open. "What the hell happened to you?" he asked in astonishment.

Elaine limped past him and flopped down on the couch. "Ouch…"she muttered petulantly. "Well, I met George's new girlfriend."

Jerry furrowed his brows. "George's new girlfriend did…_this_?"

"Yep," Elaine replied shortly.

"Why?" He was dumbfounded.

Elaine looked at him, a mock smile on her pretty face. "She's a Potter fan and I was at the head of the line."

Jerry frowned. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?"

Elaine rolled her eyes, hissing as she leaned back against the couch. "Let's say that the last Harry Potter book left in Manhattan happened to be at the bookstore I'd been waiting in line at for nearly two hours," she began crossly, "then, let's say, once I finally make my way into the store, I'm approached by George and his infamous little hussy and they proceed to tell me that the manager is allowing them to line jump…_me_."

Jerry raised a brow. Line jumping and Elaine Benes did not go hand in hand, especially when she was on a mission from Peterman. "So then what happened?"

"Well, once the freak in front of me claimed his book, we noticed that only a single copy was left," Elaine replied derisively.

"Wait," Jerry interrupted, "so you two _fought_ over the last copy of Harry Potter?"

Elaine pursed her lips and nodded. "Yep."

"_You_ got into a catfight with _Helena Bonham Carter_?" he asked again.

"Yep."

"So, did anything…_happen_?" Jerry asked wickedly.

Elaine huffed angrily. "No!" she shouted, "Newman came along and snagged the last copy while the rest of the men started making bets on whether we'd make out!"

"And?"

"_Jerry…_if you're asking whether we made out, I'm going to kill you."

"_Elaine_…you're dodging the question."

Elaine threw her hands up in aggravation. "_No_! We did _not_ make out!" she screeched, crossing her arms resentfully. "Sorry to burst your bubble."

Jerry smiled crookedly and sat back on one of his bar stools. "Ah well, we can't have it all," he said with a wry smile.

Elaine rolled her eyes and laid her head against the couch. "Now my biggest problem will be explaining to Peterman why I was unable to get a copy of that damn book."

"You just had a fight with Helena Bonham Carter and the only thing you can think about is the fact that you have to figure out what to tell Peterman?" Jerry exclaimed.

Elaine sat up. "What else would I be thinking about?"

"How about how much those clothes are gonna go for on eBay."

"eBay?" Elaine replied in confusion.

"Hello," Jerry said slowly, "you've got Helena Bonham Cooties all over you. You could make a lot of money with that plum colored pant suit!"

Elaine bit her lip, a thoughtful expression on her face. "I've gotta go!" she exclaimed suddenly and limped quickly towards the door.

Jerry smiled conspiringly. "If it sells, I get ten percent," he called as she scurried down the hall.

Not five minutes later, Kramer sailed into the apartment followed by a nervous Newman clutching a rectangular package.

"Hello, _Newman_," Jerry stated venomously.

"Hello, _Jerry_," Newman replied evenly.

Kramer, who either ignored the contempt between the two men or was completely oblivious, looked at Newman and nodded encouragingly. "So, you said you read the book," he pressed frantically, "what happens at the end?"

Newman narrowed his beady, bespectacled eyes. "Why do _you two_ want to know?"

"I don't think that's any of your business," Jerry stated glibly.

Newman smiled with smug indignation. "Well then, I'll just be on my way."

Jerry stepped in front of Newman, quickly trying to think of a valid reason why his chubby neighbor should give up the ending. He realized that Newman might be a big Harry Potter fan, just like the rest of greater New York. If that were the case, telling him their plan would not go over well.

Unfortunately, Kramer was not as sharp as Jerry. "We're going to litter Manhattan with flyers telling everyone the ending!" he exclaimed with a wild chuckle. "It's time we showed those Potter nuts who's boss!"

Newman looked between the two men in a mixture of disgust and disbelief. "You're kidding," he said quietly.

"No! Isn't it great…they won't know what hit them!" Kramer danced a little jig and Jerry covered his face with his hands.

Newman took a step backwards, tightening his grip on the package he carried. "How dare you try to desecrate the sanctity of the relic that is Harry Potter," he cried in outrage.

Kramer immediately stopped dancing and looked at Jerry. They both winced. Apparently, Jerry's suspicions had been dead on. He looked at his chubby neighbor and shot him a small, sardonic smile.

"Look, Newman, you misunderstood…what Kramer meant was-"

"No!" Newman interjected heatedly, "I know what you're up to Seinfeld! You're worse than Lord Voldemort!!"

_Who??_

"You want to subject thousands of people to dashed hopes and disappointment just because you don't understand the absolute magnificence of a boy and his wand."

Jerry eyed the rectangular package in Newman's arms- it was the exact shape and size of a lengthy novel. Newman held on to the parcel as if his life depended on it, which made Jerry immediately suspicious.

Looking down at his feet in mock shame, Jerry nodded at Newman. "You're right," he said softly, "I should be mortified by my behav- Kramer, grab that package!!"

Newman dodged sideways as an uncoordinated Kramer attempted to grasp at the package in his arms. Jerry, on the other hand, was much quicker and he grabbed the parcel and hurriedly tore the brown packing paper off of the item.

There it was. The very last copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ left on the island of Manhattan.

Jerry lifted the text in the air triumphantly, a smug grin breaking over his face.

His victorious revelation was short lived, however, as Newman knocked into him with excessive force. The two men stumbled backwards as they wrestled over the text, falling against the sill of an open window. As they landed, Jerry lost his grip on the book and it slipped from his hands…and over the edge.

Newman screamed in agony as he watched the text sail toward the ground and, scrambling up off of Jerry, he hastened through the front door in an effort to reclaim his booty.

Kramer, meanwhile, had joined Jerry at the window. The pair eyed the fallen book, anticipating Newman's imminent conquest.

Unfortunately, victory was not in the cards for the portly postal worker. The men looked on as a young girl in a pleated skirt, prim button down and crimson and gold tie skipped towards the fallen tome. Stopping short, she bent down to retrieve it and stared it a moment. Then, looking up towards the heavens, she raised a long, smooth stick into the air and let out an exultant cry.

~~~****~~~

The following day, Jerry found himself in a foul mood. He sat irritably on his couch, mulling over the previous day's events. He and Kramer were no closer to figuring out the ending of the damned Harry Potter book, a fact that really irked the hell out of him. Apparently, they were the only individuals left in the city willing to 'desecrate the sanctity of the relic that is Harry Potter'. No one else was willing to give up any information.

_Ridiculous, stick waving freaks…_

Out of sheer boredom, he flicked on the television and began surfing the channels. Just as he settled back against the couch the intercom buzzed. He glanced at it and sighed. Getting up, he skulked over to the box. "Hello?"

"It's George," came the gruff reply.

Jerry raised a brow. "Come on up."

A few minutes later, George and Jerry stood facing one another in Jerry's living room.

"So, I heard you got yourself a new girlfriend."

"Talked to Elaine, eh?"

"Yeah…what was deal with, you know, trying to line jump her?" Jerry asked reproachfully.

George gave a great sigh and looked up at the ceiling. "Honestly, it all happened so fast. One minute I was politely asking if we could cut in line and the next the two of them were rolling around on the floor like a couple of Olympic Wrestlers," George replied with a nervous laugh.

Jerry smirked. "That close, huh?"

George returned Jerry's smirk with an impish grin. "We were making wagers on whether they'd…_you know_…"

"I heard," Jerry said with a chuckle. "Elaine wasn't thrilled."

"Yeah, well, neither was Helena."

"_Helena_," Jerry stated with a shake of his head, 'Ya know, George, it's pretty low putting your girlfriend before your friend."

George looked at Jerry in surprise. "Are you _serious_?" he asked, chuckling doubtfully, "because, uh, for just a second there…I thought you might be serious."

Jerry crossed his arms and looked down on George in condemnation.

George shook his head. "Jerry, this is Helena_ Bonham Carter_ we're talking about…you know…_Helena_ _Bonham Carter_!"

Jerry rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know that."

"Well then what's with the criticism?"

Jerry threw up his hands in irritation. "What kind of question is that? This is about your friendship with Elaine."

George scoffed. "Jerry, we both know that there are two situations where choosing your girlfriend over your friend is acceptable. One, if the friend does something to said girlfriend that is so unreasonable, it warrants vengeful betrayal; and, two, if the smoking hot actress you happen to be dating asks you to ditch the witch."

Jerry harrumphed, shaking his head.

"Jerry, you cannot honestly tell me that you'd choose the friend over the actress! Come on! It's the Resplendent Clause…you know you'd betray the friend. I know that you know that you'd betray the friend," George exclaimed in exasperation.

Jerry cocked his head to the side. "The _Resplendent Clause_?"

George nodded.

"So, you're saying you'd be fine with me betraying you for a smoking, hot actress?" Jerry asked skeptically.

"_Absolutely_…as long as you fall back on the Resplendent Clause, I'd have nothing to say!"

Jerry looked at his friend doubtfully. "Alright, so I'm dating somebody famous…um, I don't know…Jeanine Garrafalo-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…Jeanine Garrafalo? _No_…Jeanine Garrafalo does _not_ fall under the Resplendent Clause. Jeanine Garaffalo falls under the Lucky to Be Funny Clause. If you chose her over me, we'd have problems."

"So you're saying that there are exceptions to the rule?"

"Certain exceptions based on the ratio of a woman's attractiveness to the bond of friendship," George replied sincerely.

Jerry sniggered. "The ratio of a woman's attractiveness to the bond of friendship? Where do you come up with this crap?"

George shrugged. "It's common knowledge…at least in my world"

"That explains it," Jerry replied mordantly. "So, what are you up to?"

"Helena and I wanted to see if you were available for lunch."

"Sure. I assume Elaine is not invited," Jerry asked casually.

George took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirtsleeve. "Uh, no…sorry. But Kramer is more than welcome to join us."

Jerry nodded. "All right, I'll meet you around noon."

George smiled and turned to leave but halted abruptly as Jerry's door flew open.

Elaine Benes blocked the entryway, her hands on her hips. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the stubby little mutineer."

George sighed loudly. "Elaine, we've had this conversation…I'm sorry but I'm not about to give up my relationship just because you asked."

"Wait," Jerry interjected, "you asked him to end his relationship?"

Elaine strode into the apartment and crossed her arms. "Yep, and the chubby little traitor refused."

George rolled his eyes. "I'm not having this argument with you again…I'll see you at noon, Jerry."

George strolled out of the apartment as Elaine promptly exploded. "What?! You're going to lunch with that disloyal troll?

Jerry shuffled his feet anxiously. "Uh…"

"I don't believe this!" she huffed. "Fine, go…have your little lunch with George and his imposing, British bimbo…see if I care."

"Elaine…," Jerry stated exasperatedly.

Elaine's angry expression faltered slightly. "Just forget it…I'm fine with it."

"Well, just so you know, if you asked, I'd willingly forgo lunch with the imposing British bimbo."

"You would?"

Jerry nodded. "I don't even know Helena Bonham Carter…but from what I hear, she sounds like a hag."

Elaine brightened. "Nah, go on ahead Jerry…I won the battle anyway."

Jerry furrowed his brows. "What battle?"

"Our little catfight yesterday," Elaine replied with a smug smile," I took your advice and put my plum pantsuit up for auction."

"Really? Make any money?" he asked with a sly grin.

"Well, actually, I came across the strangest thing while surfing eBay- a copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_."

"What's so strange about that?"

"Well, it was up for _early_ auction…meaning, the auction had started _before_ the release date."

Jerry frowned. "Wait, didn't you say that Peterman was the only guy with access to an early copy?"

Elaine nodded complacently and held up a copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_.

Jerry's mouth fell open. "_Where_ did you get that?"

"Well, after a night of haggling, I managed to track down the owner of said early copy."

"Really?"

Elaine pursed her lips and leaned back against Jerry's counter. "Yep…seems ol' Newman was the deliveryman for Peterman's pre-ordered copy."

"What?!"

Elaine raised a brow. "And, after discovering the literal gold mine in his possession, he swiped it and claimed it was 'lost in the mail'. Then he auctioned it off on eBay."

Jerry's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Why that greedy little snake!"

Elaine snickered triumphantly. "It gets better- after you knocked his personal copy out the window, he was forced to keep the auctioned copy for himself. In fact, he had to make a phone call to have the delivery stopped."

Jerry snorted loudly. The things that portly postal worker would do.

"Hey, you mind if I take a look at that?" Jerry asked and pointed to the book in her hand.

Elaine furrowed her brows skeptically. "All right, but don't mess with it or Peterman'll have a fit."

Jerry took the book and began leafing through the pages. Turning to the end, he eventually found what he was looking for. As he began to read, he instinctively frowned. The chapter was thoughtful and exciting and the more he read, the more he was impressed by the sheer excellence of the prose. Suddenly, he realized what a complete idiot he had really been. Had he ever taken the time to read the books, he would have seen why they were so beloved.

Closing the cover, he vowed then and there never to poke fun at the Harry Potter series again…at least not until he had had a chance to read the books first.

~~~****~~~

George Costanza stood outside Monk's Café at exactly twelve o'clock, the infamous Helena on his arm. As he approached, Jerry eyed the unlikely couple with a vast amount of skepticism.

"Jerry!" George cried excitedly.

"George," Jerry replied with a curt nod.

"This is Helena," George said and gestured to his beautiful companion, "Helena, this is Jerry."

Helena stepped forward and extended her hand. "Nice to finally meet you," she said, her black eyes fixed on him ominously.

"Yeah, you too," Jerry replied with unease. He didn't know why, but her wild, black eyes were making him nervous.

"So, George tells me you're friends with Elaine Benes…is this true?" she asked.

Jerry threw a questioning glance at George and cleared his throat. Typically, when meeting a new person, the third degree was not the first thing out of their mouth. "Um, yeah," Jerry replied.

"Perhaps you should re-think that association," she replied coolly, "I belong to a group of very pure, not to mention, very wealthy people and I think both you _and_ George would make a fabulous addition. We can discuss it more over lunch, if you like."

She smirked at the men, a mixture of seduction and aggression dominating her dark features. George smiled dreamily but Jerry took a hesitant step back.

"Uh…"

Helena narrowed her eyes, looking straight over the top of Jerry's head. "What on earth is that gentleman doing up there?" She pointed to the top of a nearby building and the men turned and looked up.

There, at the top of a nearby building, was Cosmo Kramer.

He was moving several garbage bags around on the rooftop and he pulled one of them forward as he perched himself against the side.

"Isn't that Kramer?" George exclaimed.

Jerry shielded his eyes from the midday sun and saw Kramer turn the bag upside down. All at once, hundreds of hot pink leaflets floated through the air. Some were whipped in passing wind currents while others fell directly to the street below. Realization dawned as Jerry watched the flyers descend on the Upper West Side.

Kramer had just desecrated the sanctity of the relic that is Harry Potter.

Jerry suddenly felt very nervous.

"Uh, I think I'll just be on my way," he said abruptly.

"Wait, you're not staying for lunch?"

"Nah, I've gotta go…" Jerry stated hastily, "I'll catch up with you later. Enjoy the Resplendence."

Jerry scurried away, ignoring George's protests. He rounded a nearby corner and smacked directly into a soft body.

"Ooomph!"

"My apologies," a smooth British accent drawled.

Jerry looked up- directly into the face of Alan Rickman.

"Um, uh…no problem," he replied, completely confounded.

"Oi! What the hell is this, a ticker tape parade? I mean, lookit all the papers flyin' everywhere," said a tall, lanky red head as Rickman pulled Jerry up off the ground.

"I'll thank you to shut that relentless mouth of yours," Rickman stated petulantly. The red head immediately fell silent, but not before muttering something to the raven haired boy beside him.

Jerry glanced at the boy and frowned- he wore Lennon like spectacles and donned a lightening bolt shaped scar on his forehead.

Eyes widening in astonishment, Jerry rubbed the back of his head. Perhaps he had hit it when he'd fallen to the ground…it was the only thing that could explain the Harry Potter induced hallucination he was currently suffering.

"You didn't happen to see a malicious looking woman with a short, balding man, did you?" Rickman asked.

Jerry looked up at him in surprise. "You mean George?"

"_George?_ Is that what he's calling himself these days?" Rickman replied with a snort. "Tell me, where is the little rat?"

Jerry opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by a manic shout.

"Molly Weasley?! _Molly_ _Weasley_?!"

Shooting a distressed look at Rickman, who wore an equally concerned expression, Jerry turned and crept hesitantly toward Broadway. He peered covertly around the corner, the trio of men on his heels.

It was official- Helena Bonham Carter was _livid_.

"Damn you and your foolish friends! If that ridiculous muggle hadn't littered the streets, I would have remained blissfully ignorant!!" she shouted as she chased George down the street, a brilliant pink flyer in one hand, a long, smooth stick in the other.

Jerry took in the scene, his eyes wide and his mouth, once again, hanging open.

"Great Merlin! There she is…and she's got Pettigrew in her sights!" the Potter look-a-like shouted.

"Crucio!!" Helena Bonham Carter was completely insane. Not 'hand me a Prozac' insane but full on 'lock me up in the mental asylum and don't forget the straight jacket' insane.

"Protego!" Alan Rickman had joined in the theatrics.

Perhaps this was an off Broadway number being played _on_ Broadway.

Helena whirled around as red beam shot from the end of the long, smooth stick in Rickman's hand and, in a scene evocative of a 1950s sci-fi film, it struck the mad British actress and she crumpled to the ground.

Jerry nearly choked. If this _was_ a bit, they had just made Forrey Ackerman damn proud.

George was staring down at Helena Bonham Carter in total awe. "What a loon."

"I'd say that's a bit of the kettle calling the cauldron black, wouldn't you…_Wormtail_?" Rickman stated sardonically.

_Damn, is this guy _still _in character? He certainly takes his craft seriously…_

George frowned up at Rickman. "Eh? Wormtail? What the hell are you talking about?"

Rickman turned towards Jerry and raised a brow. "Once again, I find myself in a rather precarious situation," he stated smoothly, "and although this decision is regrettable, it is entirely necessary."

Jerry looked up at the actor, completely nonplussed.

_What is he babbling about? _

His confusion segued to alarm as Rickman slowly raised the stick in his hand and pointed it at Jerry.

"Obliviate."

~~~****~~~

Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza sat quietly yet comfortably on Jerry's large leather couch. They stared at the television, eyes slightly glazed with boredom. Jerry picked up the remote and flipped to the news channel.

_And it seems that Potter Mania has truly gripped New York, as the release of the last Harry Potter book has sparked a myriad of occurrences. Among them, a full fledged mock duel between a band of Harry Potter look-alikes on 112__th__ Street and Broadway! ABC's Rita Skeet is live on the scene!_

_But first! An interview with a girl claiming that she received a gift from Merlin himself- a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which fell from the heavens and landed at her feet… _

"I'll tell ya', Jerry, these Harry Potter freaks are something else," George stated contemptuously. "Something has to be done about them- they're taking over the whole city!"

Jerry wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Something about this seems familiar."

George stood up from the couch. "Ya' want anything?" he asked, gesturing towards the kitchen.

"Nah, I'm good…so, you do anything good today?"

George hesitated. "Ya' know…I don't really remember."


End file.
